Another troubling issue is the contestant stream of CNN reporting pulsing out of the ceiling speakers. The news reports, rather than relaying important fact about notable happenings, in an indifferent fasion, they repeat emotionally incendiary questions, over and over again.

“Should this constitution be changed to prevent children of illegal immigrants from gaining citizenship?”.”XXXX congressman thinks so….”

“why did a beer truck driver go on a rampage and kill his coworkers?” “some say race is a factor”

“should a mosque be built on ground zero?” “some say it disrespects the memory of those killed”

Etc, etc.

I been hearing these questions on repeat for the last 12 hours. CNN isn’t helping me answer the questions. they aren’t helping understand the dynamics of the situation. They just keep arousing emotions with the pictures and the questions. I’ve been forced to tuned it out with sudoku and music.

I imagine the only thing worse than being forced to watch CNN (or any major news network) for more than half an hour would be actually working inside the studio that produces this stream of drama. Imagine being forced to wear a pound of makeup a day. then image repeating those questions at least 20 times in dramatic fashion. And instead of considering the issues personally and formulating questions so you can understand the issue or at least give each issue the proper respect, you reduce every story to, “Is Justin Beiber too young to publish a memior?” “Xxxx doest think so…. Let’s hear him rant and rave about it so that we all get worked up emotionally and do nothing in response”. Repeat for infinity while replacing Justin Beiber with celebrities, criminals, politicians of choice. And replace the question “too young to write a memior?” with any question related to terrorism, sex or race. Terrifying.

Biographical Essay

3/24/09

Stripped and Savvy: Church Rob Bell Style

By American University standards, Rob Bell wouldn’t be considered radical.  He dresses in stylish, minimalist clothing and wears black, square framed prescription lenses.   He’s a Christian pastor, which is a unique career choice by any standards but in his sermons to the church he founded in Grand Rapids, he spends time talking about global inequity, environmental hazards, micro loan programs and fresh water initiatives.  When I attended a service there a couple of weeks ago, he played “Dirt off Your Shoulder” by Jay-Z as a teaching aid for the book of Lamentations in the Bible.  That’s not radical by AU student standards.  In order to understand his role as a resister you have to step into the world of Evangelical Christianity.

The term “Evangelical” is a catch-all for popular Protestant Christianity in America.   Evangelicals tend to be associated with the norm because they are constantly engaged in getting the word out, or evangelizing.  They have a highest profile because they produce the most well known TV shows and books.  And they draw the largest crowds.  The Evangelical Church’s most famous parishioners are Billy Graham, Rick Warren, Max Lucado, Philip Yancey, Charles Colson, James Dobson and George W Bush.  These individuals, and the Churches and political causes they represent create the closest thing we have to a norm of protestant Christianity in the United States.

In addition to being a set of political or spiritual beliefs, Evangelicalism is a vast culture of music, books, TV shows, rock concert worship services and celebrity preachers.  In the United States, national chain stores exist to distribute and deliverer this material. Often times, media products found at these stores bear strange similarities to secular culture equivalents.  For example, instead of buying a Superman costume on Halloween, the Christian parent can buy a “Bible-man” costume, complete with cape and mask.  For a teenage girl, they can buy an album of the N’Sync equivalent boy-band Plus One.  In creating alternative material of scrubbed vulgarity, sexual immorality and violence, Christians in the US have created an alternate culture full of norms and standards that are not directly tied to one denomination, creed or leader but fall under the vapid, catch-all, “Evangelical.”  The norms exist.  And they are defined primarily from the loudest voices and most inclusive group inside the church, Evangelicals.

Rob Bell has an odd place in this culture.  In one sense he conforms to the norm. He is a celebrity preacher.  His video series, Nooma (Greek word for spirit) is distributed nationally and shown at Churches across the country.  He has numerous best selling books. And about 10,000 people attend the weekly gatherings at his church.  He has credibility with the Protestant, Evangelical leaders and parishioners that buy his books and movies–much in the same way that Rick Warren does. But, contrary to the norm, he has achieved this level of influence in a way that has challenged the existing structures of the American Christian community.   He changes the norm that says, a good Christian should only consume media that that is sold at Christian bookstores.  He rejects the consumer-based model of Church, which is known for its 10-step programs and its multi-million dollar facilities.  And he resists the norm that says a Christian can only associate with social causes that are explicitly Christian-Mission oriented, thus enabling him to endorse secular micro-loan programs and fresh water initiatives in the Third World that focus on material need.

The first and most evident strain of resistance in Rob Bells teaching is his embrace of secular culture.  As I mentioned before, he uses Jay-Z as a teaching aid which contains all the vulgarity and sexual immortality that is shunned at the Christian bookstore.  He explains in his first book Velvet Elvis, that one of his goals when starting the Church was capture the rawness of some of his favorite bands like the Pixies, Talking Heads, Violent Femmes and Midnight Oil (Bell 98).  Drawing inspiration from these secular sources scares some Christians because it challenges the belief that in order to effectively reach the lost, a Christian has to be separated form the corrupting influence of the culture.

I grew up in what might be labeled as “the Evangelical world.”  I was taught that I should memorize Bible verses, avoid sin and sin-inspiring music, movies and books.  This way, as a Christian, I could present my life as an example to non-believers.   The culture was seen as something that should be to be avoided.  To live in the culture was to be indistinguishable as a Christian; someone that’s saved but doesn’t act saved. The approved forms of media were drained of their most attractive qualities.  They take the nihilism out of punk and the vulgarity out of hip-hop and slap on the Christian title; thus persevering the otherness implicit in the “saved” life.   This is just one view that is prevalent in the evangelical community.  Bell takes a different approach to the role of media in the functioning “saved” life.  He challenges the claim that media, bought, sold and consumed under heading of “Christian” is spiritually uplifting by default.  And secular culture is implicitly harmful to the spiritual life—or at least neutral.

In Velvet Elvis he explicitly names a moment when a “non-Christian” source helped him to in his spiritual journey.  “I remember the first time I was truly in awe of God.  I was caught up for the first time in my life in something so massive and loving and transcendent and… true.  Something I was sure could be trusted.  I specifically remember thinking the universe was safe, in spite of all the horrible, tragic things in the world.  I remember being overwhelmed with the word true. Underneath it all life is somehow…good…and I was sixteen at a U2 concert.  The Joshua Tree tour.  When they started to play “Where the Streets Have No Name”, I thought I was going to spontaneously combust with joy.  This was real.  This mattered.  Whatever it was, I wanted more.” (Bell 72).  He mentions other similar transcendental moments surfing and playing with his kids.  Then he says, “These moments can’t be tangent.  They can’t be experience that detract form the ‘real faith.’”  (Bell 74).  Some evangelical churches would call U2 a detraction from the faith. When he admits that he had a spiritual experience at a U2 concert, he’s not pretending to be removed from popular culture.  He is in it, experiencing it.  Many evangelicals would say this undermines a foundational idea, that in order to evangelize the individual and the church have to be removed from the culture.

The second strain of resistance is the stripped down quality of Bell’s Church.  It is intentionally minimalist in an era when elaborate churches mark the landscape.   It’s so stripped down that it’s hard to find.   During my recent trip to Grand Rapids I drove past the building three or four times until I found it.  You’d expect a church of 10,000 people to have billboards on the highway leading the way. There were no giant signs, just a sticker on the door of a remodeled shopping center that looked something like this:

“Mars Hill Bible Church

Sunday Gathering: 9AM 11AM”

The Mega-Church consumer style model tends to stress bigness, convenience and personal preference.  Sadly, the same discontentment American’s have with material belongings is mirrored with the discontentment with Church. Stephen Ellingson, in his book Mega Church and the Mainline, describes the mega-church trend in this way, “Evangelicalism and the church growth movement speak in language of business and the shopping mall, of individual choice and experience, and of expedient efficiency and, in so doing, make their version of Protestantism familiar, relevant, and appealing to Americans whose daily lives are organized by the codes of individualism and the marketplace” (180).    To create this palatable version of Christianity, Churches hire Evangelical consultants in the same way that business hire advertising consultants.  As a response to the mega-church trend of Church growth, Bell says “The thought of the word Church and the word marketing in the same sentence makes me sick” (Bell 99).  Maybe this is why his church is so hard to find.

The aforementioned differences in Bell’s church are relatively superficial.    The Protestant Church is accustomed to changes in the way it looks and engages with culture. Protestantism was founded by a resistor in Martin Luther.  The Church currently undergoes changes in every new Protestant Church which is founded, not just with Bell’s church. The more contentions differences between Bell and popular Christianity surrounds his views of explicitly theological issues, like the role of the Bible in the life of the believer, the nature of salvation and the usefulness of secular social programs.  Its within these discussion where the real differences emerge.

Bell’s describes his foundational beliefs by analogy in Velvet Elvis.  He compares the life of faith to jumping on a trampoline.   He and son love jumping on the trampoline.  And apparently, Bell loves living the Christian life.  He explains that he’d much rather invite people to enjoy the experience joy of jumping on the trampoline than engage in a conversation about the physics behind springs.   In the same way, he’d rather invite people on the experiential journey of Christian spirituality than get weighed down talking about doctrine.  Springs are the doctrinal issues of Christianity concerning the Bible, Salvation, and the law which are subject to constant dispute.

His experience oriented idea of faith is appealing because there is a common perception that Christianity requires believing a set of beliefs in order to secure a blissful existence in the afterlife.  In this thinking, when the required-beliefs conflict with the individually held beliefs it naturally excludes people from participation and membership into the Church.  Bell presents a different picture.   He says, essentially that, Christianity is a process of doing as Jesus did: healing the sick, feeding the poor, loving God and loving others.  Correct doctrine helps this process along, just like the springs help jumping but they aren’t the point. Bell shifts the focus away from contentious arguments about salvation toward the experiential process of the Christian life.

Some leaders accuse Bell of ignoring clear teachings of the Bible.   They see his verbiage as desire to avoid conflict on the exterior, but underneath, it is actually a preference for the popular secular post-modern culture.  Scot McKnight of Christianity Today describes the suspicion of post modern Christianity this way:

It is said that emerging Christians confess their faith like mainliners — meaning they say things publicly they don’t really believe. They drink like Southern Baptists — meaning, to adapt some words from Mark Twain, they are teetotalers when it is judicious. They talk like Catholics — meaning they cuss and use naughty words. They evangelize and theologize like the Reformed — meaning they rarely evangelize, yet theologize all the time. They worship like charismatics — meaning with their whole bodies, some parts tattooed. They vote like Episcopalians— meaning they eat, drink, and sleep on their left side. And, they deny the truth — meaning they’ve got a latte-soaked copy of Derrida in their smoke- and beer-stained backpacks.

Many serious Christians are deeply concerned about the perceived negative effects of homosexual marriage amendments and legalized abortion.  In political debates that depend on taking a clear stand, Bell refuses to give one. He is not using his popularity and influence to effect the law, rather, he avoids talking about it all together.  This makes some Christians resentful and suspicious.

The tension is further magnified by Bell’s association with the controversial leader of the post-modern, “emergent” view of Biblical interpretation, Brian McLaren who is frequently the subject of attack by conservative evangelicals for the supposed weak view of scripture outlined in his many books.  The emergent movement is characterized by a move away from modern forms of Biblical interpretation involving systematic theology to a post-modern view of the Bible which asserts that the entirety of Biblical knowledge cannot be known, summarized or embodied by one interpretation.

In an often cited article in Christianity Today title “The Emergent Mystique”, Kristen Bell (Rob’s wife) was quoted as saying that McLaren’s book New Kind of Christian was their “lifeboat” for escaping suffocating Biblical fundamentalism.  This disclosure and the attention this article received implicates Bell in the emergent movement even if he doesn’t use it as a personal or communal title.  Using the subtle implications of Bell’s association with McLaren, attacks on emergent churches and specifically McLaren are sometimes backdoor ways of criticizing Bell.

Take for example what a well-known conservative evangelical John Macarthur had to say in a sermon dedicated to debunking the emergent church, “The emerging church movement is an amorphous sort of loose knit association of Churches that have decided that there is value…there is even virtue in uncertainty about Scripture.  The bottom-line in the movement is they believe that we aren’t even suppose to understand what the Bible means.  And to me, that’s a big issue.  Its an attack on the clarity of the scripture.  And they elevate themselves as if this is some noble reality” (Macarthur).

Now compare that with the frequently repeated line of Bell’s in books and interviews: “Being a Christian is more about celebrating mystery than conquering it.” (Bell 34).  In Velvet Elvis, he goes on to talk about the impossibility of the unbiased perspective, “the idea that everybody else approaches the Bible with baggage and agendas and lenses and I don’t is the ultimate in arrogance.  To think that I can just read the Bible without reading any of my own culture or background or issues into it and come out with a “pure” or “exact” meaning is not only untrue, but it leads to a very destructive reading of the Bible that robs it of its life and energy.”   At the heart of these two quotes–essentially two pastors accusing each other of having arrogant and destructive views regarding the Bible– is the debate about what it means to be a Christian.  Its been raging for hundreds of years.  Conservatives accuse McLaren and Bell of hiding behind post-modern arguments so that they can ignore clear and binding principles of the Bible, especially related to homosexuality and the salvation of non-Christians.  And the loosely titled Emergents accuse the conservatives of toxic fundamentalism that robs faith of joy, vitality and relevance.

Perhaps the most salient line of argument against Bells theology comes from Dallas Willard in his book, The Divine Conspiracy.  He doesn’t name Bell specifically.  Bell’s church didn’t even exist in 1997 when the book was published.  But He describes a period of time in the 1960s when advocating for the rights of African Americans was the social ethic of day.   The National Council of Churches (NCC) actively adopted a policy of direct participation. This is similar to the way Bell has endorsed micro-loans and fresh water programs.   Willard claims is that engaging in social causes minimized the effectiveness of the gospel for personal transformation and replaced it with the experience process of marching behind charismatic leaders.  The problem is not that the causes are not worthy, but rather, the force behind them is not rooted in Christianity.  The Christian message gets transformed into something its not.  Willard describes this processes, “To be committed to the oppressed, to liberation, or just to “community” became for many the whole of what is essential to Christian commitment.  The gospel, or “good news,” on this view, was that God himself stood behind liberation, equality, and community; that Jesus died to promote them, or at least sake of them; and that he lives on in all efforts and tendencies favoring them.  For the theological left, simply this became the message of Christ” (Willard 51).  This type of social ethic goes against the traditional Christianity because the exclusiveness of the gospel is seen as oppressive force that has to be overcome.   Christian spirituality that focuses on the transformational power of the resurrected Christ is trivialized by non religious movements.

Bell has always resisted the claim that he ignores the authority of the scriptures.  Or that he trivializes the role of resurrected Christ. In his mind, he is a bible teacher and Christ follower.  Scripture is central to the life of a believer.  And he is actively trying to live as Christ would want. He interprets this to mean focusing more on the Biblical imperatives related to serving the poor than legal restrictions against homosexuality and abortion.  To him, following Christ means working with secular organizations to elevating global poverty, the eradication of environmentally harmful consumer practices.  His feels entitled to take liberties in regard to music, books and movies.  And he avoids talking about abortion and homosexuality altogether.   He explicitly rejects the prevalent mega-church model in the United States.  Weather or not this version of Christianity lines up with the essence of Christ’s teaching in our contemporary culture, is a discussion rages on and its certainly not going to get adjudicated by me.

Works Cited

Bell, Rob. Velvet Elvis: Repainting the Christian Faith. Grand Rapids, MI: Zondervan, 2005.

Ellingson, Stephen.  The MegaChruch and the Mainline.  Chicago IL, University of Chicago Press: 2007.

Macarthur, John.  “The Emerging Chruch Movement Faculty Lecture Series.”  Podcast. Masters Seminary. 24 January 2006. 06 March 2009. < http://audio.tms.edu/ downloads/01_24_2006_John_MacArthur_Emerging_Church_Movement.mp3 >.

Crouch, Andy. “The Emergent Mystique” Christianity Today. 01 November 2004.   06 March 2009 <http://www.christianitytoday.com/ct/ 2004/november/12.36.html>.

Willard, Dallas.  The Divine Conspiracy: Rediscovering Our Hidden Life in God.  San Fransicso CA: Harper, 1997

McKnight, Scot.  “Five Streams of the Emerging Church”  Christianity Today.  February 2007: 35-37.

But without further ado….Here’s my LSD paper.

Matthew Halbe
College Writing
29 November 2008
LSD Tripping

Illicit drugs have a powerful appeal. They are a quick and powerful release from the mundane, painful and frustrating realities of life. According to type, they might offer extreme levels of pleasure, an excited state of being, an altered perception of reality or, in some cases, a combination of effects. Its no wonder, humans beings seek out drugs. To quote an expert, it’s “that innate propensity of mankind to supply some grateful means of promoting the flow of agreeable thoughts, of emboldening the spirit to perform deeds of daring, or of steeping in forgetfulness the sense of daily sorrow” (Stille). As much as drugs might quickly serve these ends, they are not without negative consequences. It’s important to understand the consequences lest one fall into addiction or a debilitating mental or physical condition. The purpose of this paper is to educate the laymen as the effects and consequences of LSD. I will describe the effects, give a brief history and end by offer my own advice. The conclusion might surprise you.

LSD (Lysergic Acid Diethylamide) AKA “acid” is a substance derived from argot, a fungus that grows on cereal grains. The effective human dose is a miniscule one-thousandth of a gram. It can come in the form of a saturated bit of paper with a graphic, a saturated sugar cube, a pin-head sized pill or a thin gelatin square (placed under the eyelid).

LSD is considered a pseudo-hallucinogen. It affects serotonin receptors in the brain to cause “intense auditory and visual distortions and hallucinations” (Iverson 94). Unlike a true hallucination, the LSD user doesn’t see things that don’t exist, like three headed monsters or psychedelic butterflies. He merely sees, hears and experiences things in a “distorted, wavering, or kaleidoscopic” way. (Brecher 348). He may see patterns, geometrical figures or panoramas that aren’t there, but the visions are perceived by the user as drug induced, rather than a genuine perception of the concrete world.

LSD is a recent invention but can be grouped into a family of similarly effecting drugs that include pyote, psilocybin and mescaline. LSD was discovered by a Swiss chemist named Dr. Albert Hofmann while experimenting with argot. He was unintentionally exposed to the new compound during his research and was startled by the powerful effect it had on him. He described the experience in his journal as “fantastic visions of extraordinary realness with an intense kaleidoscopic play of colors.” After the trip subsided, he tried the drug a second time to corroborate the effects in a more controlled way. He didn’t have an agreeable response. The side effects he listed were vertigo, visual disturbance, grotesque perception of faces, “motoric unrest” and an “intermittent feeling in the head, limbs and the entire body, as if they were filled with lead” (Breecher 346-7).

As the news of LSD’s effects spread through the scientific world various uses for the drugs were considered. The Untied States Army tested its usefulness for brainwashing in interrogation. For a time it was later stockpiled as a weapon for it’s disabling effects but was abandoned as a weapon in favor of more effective biological agents. The most substantial claim was as an aid to psychotherapy (Breacher 349).

In Edward Breacher’s famous consumer report “Licit and Illicit Drugs”, he compiles numerous studies that measured the effects of LSD is psychotherapy. Certain studies recorded positive results for the treatment of alcoholism and depression, enough that psychiatrists took notice. They claimed that in the proper setting LSD can lower a patience’s defenses and encourage a sense of closeness with the therapist. Negative findings usually involve the unmanageability of mind-altering effects by the patient. This lack of control can cause paranoia, delusions and unpleasant feelings. Patients panic or behave wildly. The logic of the psychiatric use is that, if the environment and the expectation of the patient can be effectively controlled, these negative effects could be mitigated and the beneficial aids to therapy maximized (Brecher 350).

It should be mentioned that positive experiences with LSD are taken by some to have intense spiritual or educational potential. A famous and controversial LSD advocate during the 1960s counter culture movement, Timothy Leary, has described LSD in an explicitly religious way: “LSD, marijuana, piody and similar chemicals which expand consciousness are sacraments. A sacrament is a visible object, which is a key to the inner divinity; something which helps you find God. For those of us in this country who use these sacraments in our worship they play the same part in our religion as the aids to worship in other religions.” Leary wasn’t the first to see hallucinogens as a religious tool. Their use in religious practice has a history that goes back to the Aztec Indians who ingested Peyote, a spineless cactus, as a mystical means of obtaining a deeper understanding of the world.

Just like LSD, peyote powerfully effects visual and auditory sensations. Users sometimes report a synthesis of senses as in “seeing” music or “hearing” a painting. For the Aztecs and other Indian tribes in Mexico, this experience was God’s gift to man and a means of gaining wisdom. One of the chief propagators of the spread of peyote to American Indians, Quanah Parker (a Comanche), claimed that the “Great Spirit” spoke to him in a vision and told him that the flesh of the Great Spirit was planted in peyote. And he should lay down his arms against the white man and unite all the tribes with the drug. Indeed, the use of peyote in religious Indian religious practices helped create a sense of solidarity and brotherhood among tribes, which helped against a shared sense of subjection under settlers. By 1954 it was estimated that one half of all American Indians had tried pyote (Brecher 338). Users formed the Native American Church of North American claiming to represent 250,000 American Indians using pyote. At times, they successfully blocked Congressional action against the drug by appealing to religious freedoms guaranteed under the constitution (Brecher 339).

Another advocate of hallucinogens, the well-known writer of Brave New World, Adolous Huxley gives an account of his experience with mescaline (the hallucination-inducing component of peyote) in an essay called “The Doors of Perception.” In it, he describes how the drug changed his perception of the flowers in his office: “At breakfast that morning I had been struck by the lively dissonance of [the flowers] colors. But that was no longer the point. I was not looking now at an unusual flower arrangement. I was seeing what Adam had seen on the morning of his creation-the miracle, moment by moment, of naked existence.” Huxley expounds upon the mind-expanding qualities of the drug while frequently inciting religious terminology. “I continued to look at the flowers, and in their living light I seemed to detect the qualitative equivalent of breathing -but of a breathing without returns to a starting point, with no recurrent ebbs but only a repeated flow from beauty to heightened beauty, from deeper to ever deeper meaning. Words like “grace” and “transfiguration” came to my mind, and this, of course, was what, among other things, they stood for.”

The most famous hallucinogen users of all, the Beatles, describe the LSD trip in their song “Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds”

“Picture yourself in a boat on a river,
With tangerine trees and marmalade skies.
Somebody calls you, you answer quite slowly,
A girl with kaleidoscope eyes.”

At this point you may ask, whats so bad about LSD, if American Indians, pop icons, famous authors and psychologists can recognize the good in it, what the harm of trying it? What consequences, if any, exist?

An interesting aspect of LSD which has been studied vigorously, is the influence of expectation and environment. The expectations the user has, weather positive or negative, going into the event, largely determine the outcome. Paranoid, fearful, and lonely thoughts generally lead to a bad trip. And conversely, positive and socially minded thinking make for a good trip. Psychologists recognize the harm LSD can cause in people with schizophrenia. Schizophrenia is defined as broadly as a “severe mental disorder characterized by some, but not necessarily all, of the following features: emotional blunting, intellectual deterioration, social isolation, disorganized speech and behavior, delusions, and hallucinations.” A person with these symptoms doesn’t need any more detachment from reality. The mental instability is only heightened with LSD.

Unfortunately, the appeal of drugs is especially potent for people that are lonely and detached from society. Their pre existing condition and effects of LSD makes for some devastating consequences. Most of us have herd stories of people committing suicide while on LSD and while no studies I have read conclusively link the two, according to the logic above, LSD will have a negative effect on someone with suicidal thoughts.

The most extensive study of the long-term effect of LSD comes from Drs. William H. McGlothlin and David O. Arnold. In the study the benefits listed were fairly consisting with the experience of the American Indians and popular figures I refered to. The studies respondents reported, “more understanding of self; more tolerance of others; less egocentricity; a less materialistic and aggressive orientation; and more appreciation of music, art and nature” But, the negative evidence against LSD comes from its unreliability to consistently provide those effects. Only 22 of the 247 respondents admitted to using LSD more than ten times after their initial experimentation. Only 3 formed a habit, in this case, once a week. What Mcglothlin and Arnold found is that users didn’t develop long-term patterns of use. The drug couldn’t consistently deliver the sought after effects because it is dependant on mood. Also the power of LSD is in its novelty. When the altered perceptions provided by LSD cease to be novel, they lose their ability to provide relief from the day-to-day ailments of life. The escape is no longer an escape.

The most damning caution against LSD, surprisingly, is not directly to its effects, which can be controlled but to its distribution which cannot. Because LSD is only available on the black market, those controlling supply have no pharmaceutical standards to comply with. The supplies could be easily contamination or might include other substances from Argot that were mistakenly included during processes of the black market chemist. LSD also requires a bulking agent to administer the miniscule quantity of LSD. Illicit Drug makers sometimes use amphetamines to bulk the drug and provide a more instantaneous kick before the effects of the LSD start. The bottom line is, you never know what you’re getting when you purchase a drug on the black market. It might be laced with harmful drugs. Or it might contain an unmanageable or toxic amount. There are no standards to ensure safe delivery (Breacher 375-380).

My personal aversion to LSD comes from a combination of factors. Obviously it’s against the law and subject to punishment in the form of fines, a criminal record or jail time. And as I’ve said, the black market is not a safe or reliable place to obtain the drug. But even if neither of these were true, I still wouldn’t use LSD. I’d rather develop a natural appreciation for art, music and nature as opposed to a chemically induced one. Second, I don’t trust that I could control the effects. And third, when I listen spokespeople for LSD like Timothy Leary, I don’t hear a wise man. I hear a crackpot. If LSD causes me to think like him, I’ll abstain. The same idea applies to the Beatles, although I’ll still listen to their music.

Works Cited

1. Breacher, Edward M. and Editors of Consumer Reports. Licit and Illict Drugs. Boston: Little, Brown & Co, 1972
2. Huxley, Aldous. The Doors of Perception and Heaven & Hell. New York: HarperCollins, 2004
3. Inverson, Leslie. Drugs: A Very Short Introduction. New York: Oxford, 2001
4. Leary, Timothy “TIMOTHY LEARY DRUGS & LSD.” 6 Mar 2007. YouTube 10 Dec 2008.
5. Stille, Alfred, M.D. Therapeutics and Materia Medica. Philadelphia: Henry C. Lea, 1868

1. The Iranian Government is wrong.

The US media has generally adopted this conclusion. It means that the leading national politicians and the Supreme Religious leader are either misinformed themselves or they are intentionally participating in an act of deception. Deception of this magnitude, displayed through a worldwide broadcast of a forgery, would show that that government officials and leaders of Iran are maliciously protecting their own interests at the expense of the truth. They have very little respect for the people’s right to know the truth.

Such a blatant lie could only be justified with the belief, common among dictators, that a human beings are no higher than an animals and they must be ruled over in the same way that a Shepard herds his sheep. Sheep don’t need to know the truth because what is in the best interest is making sure their physical needs are met–food and shelter (economic wellbeing and national security). If people of Iran are nothing more than sheep then all they need to know is what their benevolent Islamic shepards tell them.

2. The Iran Government is right.

This would mean that the western media has failed. And if they failed, we have failed. It would mean that our western perception world events is deeply flawed. It means that somewhere along the line we have either chosen to ignore the facts or we have been too weak to discern them. All the frenzy that we have stired in minds and hearts of the people is based on a lie, made worse by our appetite for sensational news. A misreading of this magnitute would strike a nasty blow to the hope of seeing eye to eye with the Iranian government. In the event that we are wrong, it will take us a long time to realize our mistake. We will go on talking the cruelty and injustice the Islamic Republic of Iran for the next 10 years regardless.

Conclusion:
The truth can be discovered through a simple process of aritmatic. The paper ballots exist, human beings are capable of counting them. One guy recieved more votes then the other. Its a black and white matter, that sadly, might never be exposed to the light. The tragedy is the darkness that has been created. No one can be sure who to trust or what to think. We are forced to either vilify the regime in Iran or vilify the international media.

Many have already formed judgments. Some reading this will think I’m doing a disservice for not falling in step behind the popular beliefs communicated in the International media. I do lean heavily to the side of those that accuse vote rigging. I find it difficult to see it any other way. However, its sad when people are driven to such extremely divergent views, regardless of who is right.

Someone is doing massive harm by lying. The Iran people suffer. And the prospects for improved relations between the US and Iran are seriously diminished. I hope that someday someone will write a book on the facts of what transpired in the election of 1388 in Iran. Until then, the unrest will continue…

One of my favorite artists, Mason Jennings, is coming out with a new album at the end of the summer called Blood of Man.   I can’t find much news of it on the internet other than a few youtube clips.   I can’t find an official list of songs but it should contain: “The Field”, “The Tourist”, “Black” and “So Many Ways to Die”

The Field and The Tourist will definitely be on it.  “Black” and “So Many Ways to Die” are just speculation.

I’m anxious for some more news.  Posted below are clips of Mason Jennings performing two of the new songs in an office somewhere.   Some might say that it spoils the songs to raw acustic versions, as the first listen.  If you’re not already a fan, I’d agree.  But if you ARE a fan, and you’re impatient like me…. then you’ll probably like these, if only to get you excited for the studio versions.

I would like to share with you, the blog reading public (mostly Miguel, Sandy, Nick, Bepa and various other family and friends), my thoughts as I’ve tackled these age-old stories.  So here we go…

1. Did you know that Jesus’ linage can be traced back to Adam?  Everyone knows that it can be traced to Abraham that much is obvious from the first book of the New Testament because its written.  But Abraham can be traced directly to Noah (Genesis 10 and Genesis 11: 10-26).  And Noah can be traced directly to Adam (Genesis 5).  So there you go.  You can find father, son, father, father son, all the way from Adam to Jesus.  So if Jesus was around the time of year 0 on our calender, tack on a few thousand years after that and then you have the age of the human race, according to the Bible.   I didn’t actually know this until I read Genesis myself.   I figured there were large gaps in genealogies between Adam and Noah and Noah and Abraham.  Not so.

2.  Its sad to me that Lot was saved from Sodom only to have his wife turned into salt and his daugters con him into sleeping with them.  He might have been better off had he just gotten burned up in Sodom.  The ironic part is that God’s opinion on this matter isn’t clearly stated.  In fact, God’s judgement is mostly left up to the reader to decide because after he sleeps with his daughters we don’t hear very much from Lot after that.  We don’t know what becomes of him.  I think the account of Lot’s life in the Quran paints a much rosier picture.  At least thats the impression I get from the sundry Islamic sources I’ve herd on TV, Movies, Documentaries etc. 

3.  Obvious question, how did Noah fit all the animals (two each) in the Ark.  The boat wasn’t big enough according to the specs given.  How large would a boat have to be to fit all the different types of animals in the world?  I actually had a dream about this after I read the story.  I dreamt that God shrank all the animals in order to fit them on the ark.  He is God, so he is all powerful, this wouldn’t be beyond the scope of his powers.  What other explanation is there?

4.  Its deeply troubling to me that God lamented ever having created the human race Genesis 6:5-8.  The impression I get from this verse is that if it hadn’t been for Noah, he would have completely destroyed his creation.  And before this point we don’t receive qualifications for righteousness.  Noah was different.  He behaved righteously, but before this point the differentiation between righteous and unrighteous the abstention of Rape and Murder.  The evil people mentioned are mostly murders and rapists.  How could a All-Powerful creator of the universe not foresee such occurrences?    Was he surprised that human beings acted the way they did?   How do you surprise omniscient, all powerful, all knowledgable, God?

Imagine for a second that you have a science project with ants.  You place a bunch of ants in a fish tank and they wind up eating each other.  And then you say to yourself, it would have been better for the ants if I had never put them in this tank to begin with.  Whose fault would it have been for the ants for eating each other?  You for for creating the conditions inside the tank? Or the ants for succumbing to their hunger?  

Also, would God be showing the world mercy by killing the human race?  Or would he be exercising wrath?

5. Why did he chose Abraham?  What did Abraham do to deserve favor from God?  And another thing, who would want God’s favor when he asks you to do things like murder your son? And live hundreds of years with a wife that can’t give birth (apparently these Ancient Jews really cared about having kids, it was super important).  Abraham was favored, but he didn’t receive any of the benefits of that favor in his lifetime.  He didn’t receive the inheritance of billions of children and the promised land.  I guess he’ll have to watch his children obtain it from heaven.  

6.  All the men seem to have multiple wives, yet such behavior would be condemned by Jews and Christians today.  Men considered to be in good standing before God had children with as many as 4 (if not more) women (see Jacob, Genesis 35:22-26)

Thats all for now.  

Here is  YouTube clip produced by Jonathan Goldstein entitled “BibleTap.” I got a laugh out of it. Enjoy.

Heres another… “Bible In a Minute”  by Barats and Bereta

Speaking about the Old Testament account, it reminds me of a line in a song by the Hold Steady called The Cattle and the Creeping things… It goes like this….”I guess I herd about original sin. I herd the dude blames the chick. And the chick blames the snake. And I herd they were naked when they got busted. And I herd things ain’t been the same since.”

So, doesn’t God bear some responsibility for putting the snake in the garden with Adam and Eve. Also, isn’t it funny how quickly we go from peace, love and harmony in Eden…. to totally debaucery of Sodom…. just a few chapters.

God creates the universe and it goes to crap after a few hundred years. How is that my fault?

Anyway, I’m not mad at God so long as he doesn’t banish the majority of his creation to eternal suffering. How fair would it be if he created a situation where there is a propensity to sin and then immediately follows with the radically severe punishment? I would say he made us faultily and then punishes us for faulting.

But supposing he offers help…. or provides a way out…. or just kills us off so as to prevent us from screwing everything up.  Is eternal suffering the proper punishment for a crime we have no help but comitting?  

Hopefully, those in Sodom aren’t in hell, maybe God ended their lives so that they evil would stop but there is still a way out if they accept it.  Like a parent telling a kid they can’t watch TV anymore because its rotting their brain.   Now they are gonna spend 40 Million years paying off their debts to the people they murdered and raped…. and then God will have some kinda plan from that point on…   but eternal punishment…. come’on  does that sound morally perfect to you?

Islam, Judaism, Christianity, Buddhism and atheism exist.  They coexist.  That is a given.  Its not a goal to be achieved.  It already is.  So, done, we have reached the promised land of diversity.

Is the status quo a goal?  Is to simply not assimilate one group into another what we must achieve?  To, in effect, do nothing.  Because we already coexist.  Don’t kill each other, don’t assimilate, don’t say one is better than the other….don’t do, or say anything…. and walla, we coexist.  Isn’t COEXISTENCE a weak goal.  Why not have a bumper sticker that says LOVE ALL RELIGIONS (and of course surround it with a bunch of religious symbols).  Existence is passive.  Love is active.  You don’t see a bumper sticker like that because its too hard to love different beliefs.  Some religious beliefs are repugnant.  Its much easier to passively allow their existence in some far off corner of the world than to actively love what they believe.    The more I think about it, loving something you disagree with is impossible! 

I have no problem with coexistence because it is a natural fact of life.  You believe one thing, I believe another and we both occupy the same space.  You believe on thing about Christianity I believe another and we coexist.  There is no unity inside each religion much less outside.  So even if we all lived under the banner of one religion there would be the coexistence of diverse beliefs.   Even if a supposed Christian nation killed off all the supposed Islamic nations there would still never ever be full unity of belief in the world.  Because the Christian nation wouldn’t be full of only Christians.

Fine, let’s coexist.  But we can’t say its all the same–that essentially there is no difference.  Because if we do, we lose equilibrium.  We lose all basis for conversation.  The conversation stops because we have decided that blue is green that 4 is 5 and I am you—and that is mental oblivion.  If we say that a car is the same as a boat we can no longer talk about water or land travel with any credibility.  If we say that hatred is the same as love then we don’t know the right way to treat each other.  

I’m more comfortable saying that ALL RELIGIONS fail to capture the entirety of the TRUTH Christianity included, than I am saying ALL RELIGIONS are TRUE.

Enjoy (if you can get past the beards)

I haven’t seen him in real life so I’m not sure weather I should be scared or not…

    During the same tour of duty that I lived on Forward Operating Base (FOB) Brassfield-Mora, I also lived on FOB Speicher. But I never knew the story behind the name.  It sounded more like something involving a Spike than someone’s name.  No one every explained it to me.  And I never encountered a memorial.  

    A week and a half ago, I learned about the man behind the name.  The informant was the Foreign Policy Magazine blog post.  Turns out, Michael “Scott” Speicher was the first official casualty of the gulf war.  He was a F/A-18 Hornet pilot who was shot down over Iraqi airspace.  The FP post explains, along with accompanying news articles (here, here) that Speicher was declared killed in action by the DoD but the decision was recently reversed by a Naval Review board.   The articles mention Dick Cheney, then Secretary of Defense, as the decider of for the classification.  

    The story bothers me because I was indoctrinated as a soldier to believe that you “never leave a fallen comrade.”  Its embedded into the Soldiers Creed.   I don’t understand why the DOD didn’t spent more time looking for the downed aircraft.  I don’t believe that our United States Air Force and Navy would have failed to find it, if it were given the proper priority in the immediate aftermath.  And if the real reason is due to lack of any type of search as the articles suggest then the story of Michael “Scott” Speicher represents a regretful failure of our military leaders.  Read the story, tell me what you think.  

    Its spooky to think about the possibility of Michael Speicher, the man to which the base owes its name, surviving this long in a hostile Iraq.  Its enough to keep Naval Commanders up at night.

I can understand trying to raise money during the campaign, but we already elected these guys to office.  We have given them power.   I thought that was the exclusive intent of political campaign contributions.  These emails seem like as way of taxing supporters.   Its a voluntary tax, in their words, to help “change” politics.  Its a change alright, taxing supporters to do work in Washington.  I thought the office itself was the power that was needed.  

Where is the money going?  According to the last email I received from Joe Biden, its going to pay off Hillary Clintons debt.   So, Barack Obama supporters being asked to paying down debts that were accrued by purchasing crappy TV commercials?  

100 dollars is alot of money when your struggling to pay your mortgage.  Or when you are unemployed.  The Obama campaign likes to tout the fact that they draw their support from your average citizen but is contributing 100 dollars to the Obama inaugural festivities (or Hillary’s debt) in the interest of Mr. Average Joe and his family?     

I think the answer is clear.

I’m disappointed by the emails because I see them as a way of exploiting emotional supporters.  Does Obama need the money more than his supporters do?   I don’t think so.   Why tap them of their resources?  Just because they are willing to give doesn’t mean they should be taken advantage of.   

At this stage in the game will the contributions of average citizens to Barack Obama produce dividens in public policy?  You might say yes because indirectly you are supporting the Democratic party, which supporters might feel provides to the most in the way of helping them and their community.  But that sort of thinking has no end.  Because they Democratic party won’t stop until they control every seat in congress on the federal level and on the state level, and on the local level for that matter.  Their is no way of satisfying the wants of the democratic party.  And the average citizen should not be asked to do so on such a macro level.  

I see it this way: I contributed money to the Barack Obama campaign because I wanted to see him become president.  Its okay for the campaign to ask me for money for that purpose.  But once they are elected to office, why should he need more of my money? Isn’t that just a backward way of taxing?  The emails are phrased with slogans.  Support Change.  Continue the work to bring change to Washington.  Shit like that.    

They aren’t being fair about where this money is going.  Is it going to pay for Obama’s train ticket to Washington?  I think he has enough in the bank to cover that.  Or is it going to fund the interests of the Democratic party in future elections?   

Fundraising for the Democratic party is legitimate but I would appreciate more clarity in the Obama emails, especially when it involves the cash flow of regular households

    I had told myself that I would drive to the lights of the town, no further. I didn’t want to travel too far from the highway-side-Ramada. I was right to do so because this town in Williams county Ohio temporarily healed the loneliness of solitary highway driving that hits me especially hard at night.

“Welcome to America, Matthew,” the town said.

“Towns like you are dead,” I said, “you’re just a shell.”

The town didn’t respond.

    I needed food–real food. The combos and red bulls were sitting in my throat instead of my stomach. A meal was my way of apologizing to my stomach.
“We don’t have cuisine like third world countries” I told the town. “there, they respect food and eat in community. All you give me is convent store crap, bottles of soda, bags of chips”

Again, it didn’t respond.

    I continued driving through the town. On a side street I spotted my target: “Tano’s Pizza” –”OPEN”(neon). I parked and walked in. There was a lady at the counter. 

“do you have an order?” 

“no”

She pulled out a tablet.  I read over the menu. I’m a slow reader. I didn’t want to upset her so I tried to read fast.

“I’ll have an Italian sub, garlic toast and…uhh… a drink”

She pointed to the soda cooler.

“And two pepsis”

She wrote “POP” on her tablet, “It’ll be 15 minutes”

“Okay” I sat down.

    The back of the neon sign said “made in America” The place was clean. There were at least 5 female employees. One was the matriarch. I was sure—Proud-to-be-an-American-Matriarch-owner.  I sat there and wondered if the delivery man was a guy.  Later, a guy showed up at the door with a lite cigarette. He was wearing a Carhart jacket like mine. He stuffed out his cigarette and walked in. His floppy pizza bag came into view.

He was a guy.

I waited for 10 minutes. The girl at the counter handed me a paper bag and two cans of pepsi,”Have a good night”

“you too”

    I got in my car and opened up the bag— a sandwich and toast.  They were both warm.  The “toast” was more like cheesy bread.  It exceeded my expectations and made me very happy. It made up for the sore feeling that was created by failing (in my haste) to get the “delux” or the “supreme” sub. And I forgot to ask for pickles.

An appetizing smell filled my car on the way back to the hotel.

    Two resturants were advertized by signs in the hotel parking lot. I had somehow failed to see them on the way out. One was a ‘family’ resturant located on the inside of the hotel. The second was a pizza place. If I had seen the family resturant I would have chosen it.

I think God wanted me to eat at Tano’s but I can’t be sure.

The italian sandwich and garlic cheese bread was much better than third-world rice, raisin and lamb.  My stomach didn’t forgive me.

WRITTEN in its entirety on a hotel notepad in a highway side Ramada while simultaneously eating a warm and delicious sub—by a veteran of the Armed Forces of the United States of America.

Ive become quite fond of the 7-11 in my apartment complex. It’s a classy operation.  The serve-yourself coffee section is always clean and well stocked with lids, stirring straws and creamer.  Read my ATM card statement in any given month, and you’ll see that 7-11 is an almost daily fixture in my life. Its where I go to get important supplies for sustenance, like coffee, red bull, hostess donuts, a half-gallons of milk or snickers bars. Im not a big slurpee fan.

The people that work at my 7-11 are great. I don’t know their names. I’ve only exchanged a few syllables with them at a given time. But I know if they were to be replaced, I’d miss them.  They are familiar to me. I like seeing them everyday.  Lets hope they continue working at 7-11 forever!

Apple Valley CA – quite possibly the first 7-11 I ever steped foot into.  Likely where I had my first slurpee, although I can’t recall the memory.  

Not much to look at.

Silver Spring, MD 

You can find me here 9am and 11pm daily.

According to my independent and unverified research, this store is the closest to the location of the first 7-11 which was a makeshift storefront in the dock of an Ice factory in Dallas in 1927. I bet the people who go here have no idea the historical significance! the Shame!

The franchisee 7-11 is owned by a Japanese company, did you know that?

What’s interesting about Carton Pearsons teachings are his claims that it represents what is truly Christianity. In other words, he doesn’t say that he has rejected Christianity but that he is embracing the true doctrine of the gospels. It’s a bold claim that obviously razzles a lot of Christians. Listen to the story and let me know what you think!  I might post more thoughts and ideas about this story later on.  

Peace.

Bennett, Tracy Gold and Nizam B. Ali. Images of America: Ben’s Chili Bowl. Chicago: Arcadia P, 2008.

Diner, Steven J. A History of the District of Columbia. Washington, DC: Associates for the Renewal of Education, Inc., 1979.

Gilber, Ben W. and The Staff of The Washington Post. Ten Blocks from the White House. New York: Praeger P, 1968.

McQcquirter, Marya Annette. African American Heritage Trail, Washington, DC.  Washington, DC: Cultural Tourism DC, 2003.

Sommer, Mathis. “New Book Celebrates Ben’s Chili Bowl’s 50th Anniversary.” 2008. DCist. Sep 2008. <http://dcist.com/2008/08/11/new_book_ celebrates_bens_chili_bowl.php>

U.S. Census Bureau, Statistical Abstract of the United States: 2007 (126th edition). Washington DC, 2008

Can’t Go Back Now – The Weepies

Which individual citizen can understand the health care issues completely?  Which citizens feel comfortable enough with their understanding of banking practices on Walstreet that they can decide what the proper course is for Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac, AIG and all the other collapsing companies?

Which citizen can outline his own vision for the federal governments role in the security of our nation?  Not all of us are expected to.  Not all of have the time or ability to investigate and understand each issue.  We have a basic worldview and political ideaology which we use as a rough guide to making these policy decisions.  But at the end of the day, we are sort of confused, at least I am.

I don’t know what we should do about these big banking and security companies.  Ideologically, I’m opposed to government intervention in the private sector.  However, irresponsible banking practices can have a huge reverberating effect on the economy and the working class of america.  The irresponsible bankers ultimatly will not be the ones who suffer most but rather the lower class will have to stuffer from their mistakes.  This means that I’m in favor of some regulation, but how much?

And now that these companies are on the verge of collapse, do I think they should be bailed out?  Idealogically, I say no.  But I’m not an economist, so I can’t say how serious the crises is, or how damaging their demise would be to our economy as a whole.  And I’m almost certain that there are many facets of the whole issue which I don’t even understand.

This brings me to the crux of my arguement, I think we waste time talking about the ideaology of governing and overlook the actual ability to govern.  My college economics professor maybe better able to diagnose the current ailments in our economy than either of the two canidates.  Does that mean that we should all vote for him as a write-in canidate?  No.  Just because he knows the problem, doesn’t mean he has the power to impliment those changes.  He doesn’t have the leadership ability.

One issue that is beyond all partisanship is our current buget deficit.  The problem is so simple even a 3rd grader could understand it.  We are spending more money than we are taking in.  Which means every year we go deeper into debt.  The the long term prospect is an expointally increasing debt.  The fix?  Don’t spend money you don’t have.

Pretty simple right? ….When it comes to governing human beings, nothing is simple.

What I’m looking for is clear thinking.  I dont care if you are in favor of big government or small government, I’m in favor of stable government.  Which means backing these highly touted ideas with firm action.  Its about responsibility, consitancy and viligant governance.  Its a question of character.

South of the DMZ, South Vietnam photo by Larry Burrows, 1966

The Army doctors were there that day to clean up the mess.  They dead and the dying had to be transported.  The survivors had to be debriefed so as to understand that it wasn’t an angel of God that had attacked them, but simply a platoon of Vietcong.  The madness and psychoses of the brain have to be treated just like trauma to the body.  Its standard practice when it comes to conducting warfare.  For the many crises in the aftermath of battle, there are crises managers in the form of doctors and shrinks.  And in this picture we see them treating the survivors.
Viewing the crises management process as a science, there are no surprises.  Bullets and bombs destroy flesh and fear paralyses reason. When crises of battle become everyday affairs, they lose they’re shocking quality.  Seeing bullet wounds, grenade dismemberments and dudes shitting themselves with fear, become to the doctor what seeing mail boxes and address is to a post man.   It’s all just a part of the job; just a degusting mess that has to be cleaned up.
But what gives an army doctor the right to call a man who has just looked death in the face mad?  Just because he would prefer that the soldier not rave in terror and be restored back into a rational and calm individual doesn’t by default make raving madness.  To explain it in another way, maybe raving like a loon is the most logical and rational response to seeing your friend killed.
When you look at the black soldier, do you see a crazy man reaching out aimlessly as if disoriented?  Or do you see someone so overwhelmed with grief, gratitude, anger or any other all consuming emotion that he has to run directly to his fellow soldier to express that emotion either by hugging him or punching him in the face.  The impulse of the doctors is to restrain him because he’s not acting like a normal human being.  But what do they know about what constitutes a proper responses without having experienced the battle themselves.
In contrast, the soldier sitting down is just as calm as can be.  He is not a mess.  But, he is callused by the battle.  Metal, emotional and physical exhaustion have overtaken him such that he is detached from himself.  He is unaffected, impenetrable and blank.  Neither danger nor the suffering of others arouses the proper emotions of fear and sympathy.  His surreal and inhuman perspective is seen in the unchangingness of his face. Yet he is of no concern to the doctors.
Maybe they have it wrong.  Maybe the man sitting down is mad and the man standing up sane.  This reversal of understanding certainly wouldn’t effect their imperative to clean up the mess but it might ultimately effect thier definition of what it means to be a mentally healthy soldier.

Where do we go when we die?

Do our actions reverberate in some space of eternal significance?

Can human history, this history of this world from start to today, be told as a part of a larger narrative?  A coherent story? 

Can cigarettes, red bull, Reuben sandwiches, television, symphonies, ipods, the internet and park benches, things, big and small, rather than being fragmented, can they have a context in life?  Can each and every grain of sand and collosel mountain hold a place, a meaning, in the lives of people and in the story of our collective history?

No brain human brain is powerful enough to tell the story. Obviously.  But is our own story worthy of telling even if we can’t make sense of it all and maybe we never will?  What if the things, the details, stack so high we can never sort through them all like a load of laundry and place them folded in a drawer?

The question is, as confusing as it all is, should we still try?  should we still ask the larger questions? Seek the proper narrative?  Believe that the benevolent storyteller exists?

How utterly despairing would life be if it were all random? If it were all a big joke? 

itunes it, buy the album, its great.

You see, here at Ft Stewart home of the US Army’s Third Infantry Division in Eastern Georgia, upon entrance of the base, one is greeted with “Rock of the Marne”.  If there were a strong sense of unit pride, that greeting might invoke some kind of good feeling.  Esprit De Corpse, if you will.  But the problem is, the Esprit De Corpse which it evokes is like the fellowship of shared loathing; A disgust over the army way of life.  Say “rock of the Marne” to any of my friend who are 3ID vets and they will probably be compelled to punch you in the face.

Don’t go getting exagerated notions that the “army is broken” or that its vietnam all over again.  Im not really tying to say anything profound at all.  Just that, alot of soldier make a mockery of our Army slogans, myself included.   Fake and exagerated enthusiasm for the sake of a joke. 

During our normal garrison life all the soldiers on Fort Stewart have to sing the dogface soldiers song at the beginning of PT formation at 0630 in the morning.  They blare the stupid John Philips Souza music over the loud speakers similar to prayer call in Iraq.  Its usually cold.  You’re usually not happy to be awake.  And the insanity and shere absurdity of these lyrics leaves open no possible avenue but mockery. 

Here they are for your reading enjoyment:

I Wouldn’t Give A Bean
To Be A Fancy Pants Marine
I’d Rather Be A
Dog Face Soldier Like I Am

I Wouldn’t Trade My Old OD’s
For All The Navy’s Dungarees
For I’m The Walking Pride
Of Uncle Sam

On Army Posters That I Read
It Says “Be All That You Can”
So They’re Tearing Me Down
To Build Me Over Again

I’m Just A Dog Face Soldier
With A Rifle On My Shoulder
And I Eat Raw Meat
For Breakfast E’V'RY Day

So Feed Me Ammunition
Keep Me In Third Division
Your Dog Face Soldier’s A-Okay

 

I think they are supposed to be taken as a joke.  How could it be any different?

(PS.  I have friends that hate this song so much they would literally get mad at me for posting it on my blog… even for the purpose of criticism, as if reading the words is too hard for them (its a little hard for me too))

 These facts arn’t very important.  Maybe I should talk about providing security by sitting on my ass in a guard tower on the edge of base.  Hour after Hour after hour.  I read alot of books.  Played alot of sudou.  And shared the responsibilty of keeping myself and my fellow parnter on the gate sane and human by conversing about everything under the sun. 

 I am one clog in fifty million pounds of dirt.  I am a tiny piece of a giant apperatus.  A drop in the ocean or the bucket.  My narrative is actually more common than bombs and blood, danger and fear.  Its evident when you look out at the masses in the chow halls here.  Everyone has a job and most of them arn’t ground pounding riflemen.  They are janitors, security guards, managers, logistics experts, engineers, day laborers(also known as privates or specialists). 

Im in kuwait now.  A place called Camp Virginia.  The same grey, white and yellow, square, round and triangle buildings I’m used to seeing.  The same food.  Familar kuwaiti wind and sand and the hot sun at midday. 

The moral is really high in our unit right now.  Everyone is thinking about the next big thing in their lives.  Non-careerists are thinking about getting out and going to college (like me), a new high paying job or the freedom to loaf and pursue more simulating work.  Careerist are thinking about their next duty station and new opportunities.   We all think of family, friends, women, booze.   We all got alot of money to burn too. 

 If your a soldier in the 1st brigade 3rd infantry division and your not smiling like a little kid right now I would suggest that something is wrong.  Stagering amounts of possibilites await us.

The Green Beans Worldcafe dutifully services the military and civilian men and women on Camp Ramadi, by providing flavorful espresso lattes, coffee, tea and smoothies drinks for anywhere between 2 and 5 dollers a cup, give or take.  There are thousands of people who live here and 100s of millions of dollars being earned via Uncle Sam.  We live in a city which sprouted from nothing in the middle of the desert.  Its a ripe enviornment for the service industry.

Many soldiers get their coffee drinks to-go and the lack of lids causes an incovience.  70% of the soldiers walk around on base and about 30% drive. (totally rough estimate).  The roads are bumpy and dusty.  And it can take anywhere between 5 and 30 min by foot to get to your place of duty or living quarters.  About 5-10 minutes by motorized transport. 

If you’re walking, dust and iraqi air are gonna get all in your drink. If your driving, its impossible not to spill the open top container everywhere.  Undoubtedly, the Green Beans is losing customers.

And this is news on Camp Ramadi.

Let this be a picture for you of what goes on here.  We have brokered a peace with people who hate us.  They no longer attack us because of political reasons and now we occupy a little city of tranquility in the middle of the desert.  We are bored.  We have all kinds of money and are not opposed to spending it on trivial luxury items when they are available. 

This is bad because the Army has been working hard to pander to our wants.  There is an officer somewhere  who is trying to tackle the problem of no lids.  He is trying to coordinate a convoy from the supply hub to Ramadi or he is calling Green Beans corporate offices to get form a better communications channel on the projected supply demands.

But tell me, is this the kind of environment we want to foster?  Do we want soldiers getting used to luxury?  Do we want soldiers constantly laboring to turn Ramadi into the Ramada!? As if that were are mission?  Im not talking about showers and toilets, Im talking about espresso!  And do we want private enterprise here making so much money they can’t keep up the supply end of the bargain?

Heres a better idea… Rather than, building the Camp “Hotel Ramadi”,  Lets just leave it as Camp “Shit Hole” Ramadi and go home. Lets not get so comfortable that we don’t want to leave.  Pease people.

http://2dinar.com/

Its a blog written by veterans concerning foriegn policy, military affairs, war experiece, troop welfare and other topics from a very personal perspective. 

Frequently, I’m frustrated by the divisiveness of the discussion itself.  People get highly emtional when talking about politics and presidential candiates in the same way they get emotional talking about issues of religion. 

There are peoples lives at stake here and its important to think with your head as well as your heart.  I think this guy does a really good job of navigating some really tough issues with an interest focused genunily on the welfare of our troops, the safty of our citizens and the health of our democracy.  There is also honest disclosure of human foibles of the modern military man.

 On a side note, via this blog I was made aware of a New York Times article detailing the story of an Army unit in Afganistan whoes members include a Cedar Rapids, Iowa native, Sal Giunta.  Those from Cedar Rapids and those all over, are encoraged to read the narrative:  http://www.nytimes.com/2008/02/24/magazine/24afghanistan-t.html

“All time? Or Today?”

“All time”

“He’s not in the top five.”

“That’s garbage! He’s got the rings! Does Dan Marino have the rings?”

“Bill Belichick’s offense is the reason they win.  How many games would Tom Brady have won on the Saints this year?”

This was the conversation broadcast at a very high volume in the waiting area of the flight-line.  About 15 people, some soldiers, some contractors were holed up in a little shack as we waited for our helicopter to arrive. 

The participants in this heated debate were 3 KBR civilian contractors: a short skinny black guy with a long gotee who was the main driving force of the arguments, a tall hefty white guy with a short gotee who emotionally invested himself in refuting the other guys points and an older black guy who was the wise and level headed observer of the whole thing.

The young black guy was trying to argue that Payton Manning was a better quarterback than Tom Brady.  And the white guy took that as undermining the greatness of the Patriots and the legacy of Brady. (mind you, this conversation took place before the Super Bowl upset by the Giants).

It was a friendly and playful argument all parties were animated about their opinions.  Cutting each other off mid-sentence

“BOOMER ESIASON!! I KNOW you didn’t just put Boomer Esiason in that category!”

They were having so much fun I decided I would join the fray, “HOLD ON!! HOLD ON! If you’re asking who’s the best you have to define the standards.  What are the categories by which you judge the greatness of a quarterback?  Accuracy? Movement in the pocket? Rushing? Field vision?… Tom Brady is the most accurate passer in the history of the game.  Tom Brady is in the TOP FIVE!”

“THANK YOU!” says the hefty white guy

“okay, okay, I hear your point you that point. BUT….” And on it went.

I was improvising here.  Ive never seen Tom Brady play.  Ive seen less than 20 NFL games in the past 5 years.  I’m not a true judge of this stuff.  But I do watch sportcenter for NBA highlights and I’m well versed in the talking points of these type of debates.  I’m an amateur, bickering for sport.  For the fun of arguing.  5 seconds later when they started talking about the offensive linemen and where they played college football, I exited the conversation.

We arrived at the flight line at around 1000 and our flight was delayed due to weather conditions.  We ended up staying in this little wood hut until 0100 waiting for it to clear up.  It never did.

From 1000, when we arrived, to 0100, when we gave up, all that was herd in the hut was debates about various football players, teams or facets of the game. 

I observed the only woman in the room, an older civilian AAFES employee marvel over the male participants as if she were watching squirrels fight over a nut through her kitchen window.  The childish grin on her face saying “Are they still talking about this.”

“Dude, don’t mention the Pro Bowl, everyone knows the probowl is a joke”

“I just meant…”

“No dude. Stop. the Pro Bowl means nothing.

One might effectively claim that these arguments are silly.  I might agre.  But one can never say that sports themselves are frivolous.  I realise all might not agree.  So I’ll break it down here, as I see it.

Sports are the exhibition of battle.  Man verses the forces which limit him: gravity, oxygen supply, coordination of the brain to the body, etc.  Its about testing the limits of mans capability and becoming powerful object of use. 

Conflict is central to life.  From conception we, with the assistance from our mothers, labor against the forces of nature to maintain life.  there are places on this earth were food is plentiful and climate is consistently moderate but the tasks of gathering, protecting, shielding, warming and stockpiling are requirements to life everywhere.  We are not handed all the necessities of life but we have to work.  And work is a sort of a competition with nature.

Those are the standard conditions of birth is conflict against the forces of nature which easily have the capability to kill a fragile infants and healthy adults alike. 

Is it any wonder that competition is a natural human inclination?  If the oppressive conditions of nature press down on us from birth, it makes competition with nature a requirement for life sustainment.  THe more success one has at conquering those forces ultimately determines the level of success one will have.

But I need to digress for a second, because I’m not accuratly representing conditions of modern society.  Infants have antibiotics.  Mom’s have giant warehouse supermarkets.

I’ve never seen modern day farming equipment nor do I know its capability but I will speculate by saying that a combine can reap more corn in one day than I can by hand in 1 year.

I can go to the mall in my hometown and for 1 weeks pay buy a down sleeping bag and a small tent that are capable of keep me warm outside at night all year round.  Not only in southern california but in the snows of iowa.

I could manage to live in a solid walled building for building for between 300-600 dollars in most towns in America.

All that to say, we’ve gotten pretty damn good at providing the basics fo life.  Living in Cedar Rapids doesn’t require Robinson Caruso like adaptability or determination.

It not only the forces of nature which we compete with to obtain the requirements for life  But man himself is a force which is harmful on the rest of the population.  Man is an insatiable and sometimes greedy animal, capable of hoarding wealth and subjugating other men in the process.  If he can easily manage to provide bread and water he will soon look to obtain meat and wine. 

There is no end to earthy wants and there is no limit to what one man can obtain.  And those we fiend of other men who want to infringe upon our wealth with their greed. 

Ive simplified the needs and wants of man.  But you could add in sex and power, two major sources of conflict.  When it comes down to it, these provide physical rewards: comfort, convenience and pleasure.

But sports are curious because most operate in the mastery of practically useless skills such as tossing a ball in a hoop or kicking a ball with precision.  What will that do for you in the world? Will it help you catch fish or chop down a tree.  Why aren’t all sports of this basic necessity variety.  Why are these types of sports institutionalized?

The only answer I can think of is that, opposing forces, challenges, enemies, limitations, struggles, battles of all types and sizes weather tittly winks or gettysburg require a force of motivation, strength and determination in varying proportions.  As far as I can tell there are only two forces which motivate man… love or greed.  Selfish or Selfless.   Sometimes its a hard to tell them apart. 

Sports are merely the exhibition; the show of something more important happening in us all.  The battles within.  The story is so timeless.  And so deeply ingrained in humanity that even if there is no need to fight for food and water supply we’ll fight over a ball instead.  The type of game is irrelivent because concept of conflict is central to all games.  And reflects life itself.

 In the NBA right now, there is a subtle subplot which is emerging.  Kobe Byrant, rightly or wrongly is considered by many to be a selfish and arrogant player.  However, Kobe Byrant is also one of the greatest players to ever grace the court.  This season, newly invigorated by the Pau Gasol trade the Los Angles Lakers,  apear to be a top tier contender in the Western Conference. 

Simultaneously in the Eastern Conference, Kevin Garnett, rightly or wrongly is considered to be a selfless, team oriented player.  And he has lead the Boston Celtics to currently hold the best record in the NBA and a favorite of many to win the championship this year.

Imagine an NBA finals matchup between these two superstars.  One focused wholey on the success, participation and cohesion of his team.  And the other focused on himself.  Which will win out?  Ball hog or the court general?  A force of self interest or a force of collective interest?  In the final moments of battle where all hopes, dreams and aspirations are hanging on the line which will crumble?  Will Kobe blame his teamates in the final minutes when hopes seem bleak and crumble under the pressure?  Or will the raw dominance, determination and superiority of one player be enough to conquer a group of five working as one?

 Now, I don’t think my analysis is perfectly fair or accurate in this example, because, Phil Jackson, Kobe, Pau and the Lakers are a magnificent team.  And they do play as a team. And the Celtics, like any team might suffer from breakdowns in teamwork.  It isn’t a battle of good verses evil.  I would hate to color the teams with those terms.  I’m trying to justify the apeal of sports.  And I think there is legitamly a subplot regarding the approach to the team sport of basketball.  And Im excited to watch the exhibition.

Am I rambling crazy here?

My choice, this day: “Vera Drake: Wife. Mother. Criminal.”  Nominated for 3 academy awards: best actress, best director and best original screen play. 

Heres what the back of the DVD case reads: “Imelda Staunton gives an award winning performance as Vera Drake, a devoted wife and mother in 1950s England. Unbeknownst to her family, Vera secretly helps women terminate unwanted pregnancies.  When she is arrested, her entire world unravels, leading to a very dramatic, emotional conclusion.”

Buying the DVD is a little of a rebellion streak.  Rebellion against the feel-good world of Mass media.  And rebellion against the doomsday, we are all going to hell, world of organized religion.  Is the story of a plain cloths abortionist the solution to my dumpy emotions? probably not.  But I have a weird appeal for the red meat of life, the brutally honest and the painfully human.  Inside that world of bone and cartilage, I’m comforted by the densely expressed heartaches of others.  It tells me I’m not alone in pain.  So Vera Drake it was.   

As much as I like to depress myself, I didn’t watch the DVD right away.  It sort of sat on my desk staring at me.  Saying, “I am the type of movie you don’t recover from.  I will toss you into deeper despair than you’ve ever felt before”  I judgmentally thought that it was a movie that rashly and angrily taught sympathy for abortionists.  So I avoided it for a few days.

 Today I watched it.  And I can honestly say it did not depress me.  It didn’t cause despair.  Nor did it hoist some counter judeo-christian value system upon me.  It was simply human, in an altogether mundane human way.  Family love, the working class, sex, love and sympathy.  What impresses me about the movie is that it doesn’t answer all the questions about the characters.  Nor does it make Vera Drake out to be a martyr for liberal values.  Liberals would certainly call her a martyr but the movie does hype the idea whatsoever. It tells a story that most likely did occur in a similar way in that period of time in England.  The acting is good.  And the language is smashing (add british accent to the “smashing”). 

I often ask myself, “what is the nature of women?” Maybe for selfish purposes, maybe intellectual, maybe spiritual, maybe just curiosity.  But the question comes up.  And I somehow have reverted to the classic Biblical description even though I hate the way it is normally expressed.  So here is what the Bible says:

To the woman he [God] said,

I will surely multiply your pain in childbearing;

in pain you shall bring forth children. 

Your desire shall be for your husband, and he shall rule over you

So, thats not fair right…. why does God make woman this slave of man’s?  Why is he the master? All I can say to that is, don’t blame me, blame God.

 What of man?

Because you have listened to the voice of your wife

and have eaten of the tree

of which I commanded you, ‘You shall not eat of it,’

cursed is the ground because of you;

in pain you shall eat of it all the days of your life;

thorns and thistles it shall bring forth for you;

and you shall eat plants of the field.

By the sweat of your face

you shall eat bread,

till you return to the ground,

for out of it you were taken;

for you are dust,

and to dust you shall return

Well if God made a slave of women, he made a man the slave of the earth.  He cursed us just the same.  We are all living under the pain of our own humanity.  Vera Drake decided that such pain could not be allowed on young girls.  Unfortunately, God disagrees. 

Abortion is wrong anyway you define it or practice it.  Does that make the people who do it sub-humanly evil? Other? On the the outside of common human practice?  No, quite the opposite.  It is perhaps the expression of humanity in its most common nature: in pursuit of pleasure, love and freedom in the wrong manner. We, all of us, end up hurting ourselves and others in this process of denial and rebelion against the proper method of dealing with the painful plight God has prepared for us.  The scary part is, these alternative solutions to pain create a new pain, all its own and perhaps more bitter than the first.

Guilty as charged, your highness.  What of me now?

(((quotes taken from Genesis chapter 3, English Standard Version)))

I’ve changed jobs here in Iraq. I’m working in base operations, billets, maintenance and some logistics type stuff. The work itself is not worthy of discussion. I will avoid specifics about my job. I don’t want anyone to accuse me of giving important information to enemies of the US by which they can exploit us. ((I, personally, have no fear for this type of thing but wiser and more experienced people have cause to fear. So, its best not to stir up conflict.)) I will just talk about my approach, my ideas and explain the working environment rather than pesky specifics of army logistics.

I work in an office with office like responsibilities. Paper work, Microsoft excel, PowerPoint and word, email, printers, copy machines, binders, logbooks, and all the rest. We are responsible for stuff, important stuff. And people are always signing crap. And there is always big binders of rules, regulations, guidelines, amendments and standard procedure which govern all the crap.

Its typical office politics. We have powers and non powers which mix and mingle in these offices. There are those that hold power and responsibility and those that don’t. those that do real work and those that don’t. those that can’t or won’t, and those that try but suck. The proud, the kind, the quiet, the wise; all present. The Sunday morning quarterbacks, the backseat drivers and the vocal criticizer of policy and rule. Some have the credibility to be such, some don’t. Some make too much use of their credibility and it makes them non-credible.

Some bask in the spotlight with their own work. Some, the work others. Some are hard chargers. Some are just along for the ride. Passive, agressive and passive-agressive.

The spectrum of work starts from the lowly janitorial servants who are not asked to use brain power, all the way to the managers with vision, foresight, knowledge, know-how and the iron disciplinary fist. The northern end of the spectrum carries the money and privilege and most of all, the respect. The southern end is comprised of the upstarts, the working class, the downtrodden, the lazy, the fatally bitter or the forever lacking.

Those with rank are the most curious to observe. I can’t ever tell what drives, motivates, offends or pleases them. They are surrounded by yes-men, in the business pleasing but lacking substance. Those that aren’t in that business lack respect giving. The proper approach is respect and qualit service for its own sake. Those folks are rare but sporadically present.

But in all this, inside this world of camouflage rank and PowerPoint, self interest and teamwork, patriotism and confusion, I have to figure out what drives me to put the effort in. What impression on my new coworkers will I make? Should I sit in the corner and listen to Jack Johnson and read Saul Bellow and wait for someone to hit me upside the head and tell me to clean trash, play taxi driver and labor with PowerPoint graphics? Or should I engage, volunteer, meet, great, conversatate and accept membership with the team? it’s a real choice and I chose the latter.

But genuine engagement with the world is not easy. There is a potential to get snubbed, cheated, screwed and underappreciated. There is no promise of reward for a hard days work. On the contrary, work causes grief, because unfeeling and selfish people will know they can demand great things from you. The more you work, the more they depend on, trust in and demand of you. But do you really want that? For what reward? What is it you’re looking for anyway? A pat on the back, a pay raise, a promotion or just some rest and some chow?

The position of lower enlisted is more or less fixed and the process of advancement takes years and years.  Rank isn’t the reward of the near term.  Money is fixed with rank.  We can’t get fired.  Therefore we get paid weather we work or not. Believe me when I tell you, this creates a lot of stubborn and lazy people who won’t get off their ass .

In the event that I should get off my ass absent of threats, will one bad experience with bad person cause me to give up? Will one snub, humiliation or small abuse be used as ammunition for the justification of sitting on my ass previously? What is the incentive to persevere?

I can only describe my idea to challenge this common human problem of work and reward in simple chirstian terms. I wish I could be intelligent about it, but I don’t know how: Do unto others as you would have them do to you. If they do you wrong in return, just think of Christ the model servant, and how He won you over. Pray that He will give you the strength to persevere. And God take care of the reward part with Life better than can be imagined. Rivers of it. ((maybe I don’t have the right to refer to Him, I’m all about rejecting him anyway. I‘m always confused about these things))

Simple, right?

I’m learning that the process of empathy and service to others is hard work and there are a lot of daunting obstacles in the path. Years, decades and maybe even generations of distrust. And expertly built walls of separation meant for protection which divide the hearts of people. Likewise there are bobby traps made to warn selfish people but keep out honest people just the same.

But the most daunting obstacle of all is my own selfish outlook. My greed, my covetousness, my lust, my pride. I have to push those things aside and wake up every morning to see behind the eyeballs of my neighbors rather than myself. I have to really listen. And be honest about my own limitations, be clear and consistent in my work and my responsibility. And brick by brick, de-wall the walls of separation. Because in the end its not about, RANK, MONEY, POWER, POSITION or PLEASURE. The answer is caught up in human to human relationship.

Community and true friendship is a pie in the sky idea. But I’m hoping against burdens and my baser nature that it’s a real and obtainable reward.

 I’m a confused little man walking on the shadowy path of life.  I’m a perpetual seeker, never a finder.  I ask more questions than I can answer.

I live with the basic understanding that Christianity is the truth.  The basic truths maybe covered and established but the day to day life part with all its grey area and the overpowering presence of massive volumes of information, noise, and experience presents in my own heart day to day obstacles.
I’m desperate to break free from the shackles of fear and petty judgment. 
I want to seek out and understand the message of Jesus never oblivious to the pressing realties life which I feel pressing down on me daily. 
I want real Christianity.  Relevant.  Vital.  Satisfying.  Honest.  Genuine.   Sincere. Soul redeeming and salvaging.

 Ironically, I hate intros to books because I don’t want to hear anyone elses biased opinions before I read, thus tainting my experience.  Why then, do I want to impose my own opinions on others?

I guess I want the whole world to be on the same wave length as me.  I want everyone to be entusiastic in exactly the same way I am.  So I can bask in that joy of spreading good art. It might be a little vain.  So forgive that….

 Without further ado…. here… is what inspired my redistrubution of Saul Bellows work…. 

 The scene is Augie chilling out in a town square on a hot day…. 

I brought along a book, but there was too much brown stain on the pages from the sun.  the benches were white iron, roomy enough for three or four old gaffers to snooze on in the swamp-tasting sweet warmth that made the redwing blackbirds fierce and quick, and the flowers frill, but other living things slow and lazy-blodded.  I soaked in the heavy nourishing air and this befriending atmosphere like rich life-cake, the kind that encourages love and brings on a mild pain of emotions.  A state that lets you rest in your own specific gravity, and were you are not subject matter but sit in your own nature, tasting original tastes as good as the first man, and are outside the busy human tamper, left free even of your own habits.   Which only lie on you illusory in the sunshine, in the usual realtion to your feet or finger or the knot of your shoestrings and are without power.  No more than the comb or shadow of your hair has power on your brain

The “life-cake” thing got me.  Who says that?  LIFE-CAKE.  Brilliant I tell you!!

Later on in this same chapter he describes falling in love.  Imagine that kind of attention to detail about the female form.  Its downright sinful!   I wont quote it here.  Read at your own peril. 

Okay! Go!

Barack Obama for PREZ!

1. He is inspirational. He inspires young people to get involved in politics, make their voices herd, and challenges us to think positive about the possibilities of change and improvement in the US when all of us have been very content in our cynicism.

2. He is intelligent. I think he lays out his ideas very thoroughly and extensively. Examples: On Religion in America, On Iraq

3. Worked as a community organizer in Chicago after college. Its common for young college grads to be idealistic in choosing a path. I think it says alot about him that he went straight into a poor, crime infested and tough neighborhood after college. Rahter than get idealistic about how much money he could make. The job title alone is admirable, one who organizes the community! A good narrative of his time in Chicago can be found in Dreams From my Father by Barack Obama.

4. He has taken the politically risky move of saying he would enter talks with Iranian leaders when all other candidates have supported the status quo by not speaking up. Talking with Iran could help us in Iraq. I don’t see what we have to lose?

5. He took another politically risky move of opposing the Invasion of Iraq back in 2003. We are all in widespread agreement that the intel was shady, today, but who has had the right approach since the beginning? full analysis

6. He is an accomplished lawyer

7. He is an accomplished statesman, in Illinois and the US Senate.

8. He is a great speaker! downright mezmorizing!

9. He isn’t divisive. He talks about working alongside republicans. One America.  One common destiny.  The same fundamental challenges.

10. He is a symbol of a generation. He has a multi-cultural background and therefore speaks to a large and growing percentage of the population from cultural meltingpot areas. He isn’t going to subvert the constitution with his identity, but support it. And he is fully qualified to understand how to do so, having been a professor of constitutional law.

I have 11 minutes and counting now that I started typing.  I paid 5 bucks for an hour and my time is dwindling down.

I wanted to write an elaborate endorsement for Barak Obama.  Ive been thinking about it for weeks.  And every time I read an article about the inevitability of Hillary Clinton.  I feel even deeper sense of duty to write one.  But everytime I sit down to write I get so overwelmed and bogged down by the seer mass of the ideas.  And also come face to face with my own ignorance of how the world works.

I don’t have much of a skill for it.  I don’t understand the issues facing our country as well as I would like: Iraq, abortion, gay marriage, the economy, welfare, health care, etc etc.  I have opinions, of course.  And anyone who knows me knows, I’m vocal about it.  However, I’m no so confident in my ability to decide on the courses of action our country should take.  So I’m not going to attempt to delve into it, not this 13 minutes

 I want all of you living in the Super Tuesday states to vote for Obama.  I think he is a postive canidate who will you united the country and lead us in the correct direction in the war in Iraq.  I might write more on why I feel that way later on.  But for now, you people need to VOTE OBAMA! Why!? Because I said so!

times up!!!!!!!!!!!

I didn’t know what I wanted to do after high school.  In the words of my friend Lisa, I was a “needy, idealistic, indecisive creature” In my case it was more than just love.  It was EVERYTHING: career, religion, love, responsibility, money.  Pick a topic of conversation….I didn’t know where I stood.  I could debate with the best of them.  But I didn’t know who I was or what I wanted.  I had a head full of bible verses, eyes full of pop culture and the heart of a bitter atheist. 

One fateful day, I was sittin in the front of the TV, probably watching a rerun of The Fresh Prince of Belair, although I don’t remember exactly, either that or The O’Reily Factor?? maybe it was VH1 Behind the Music??…. it doesn’t matter.
 
burrrrrring!!!burrrring!!!!….(thats the sound of a phone ringing) It was the Army Recruiter asking for me.  “WTF!! Why does he want to talk to me?? How did he get my number” ((inaudible thoughts))
…..
…..
“Have you ever considered joining the Army”
“Ive thought about ROTC”
“Why don’t I stop by your house and show you what we can offer?”
“okay”

Thats how my army carrer truely started. One passive “okay”

Next thing I know, I’m on a bus headed to Fort Jackson South Carolina for Army indoctrination as an E2 Private.  Mosquito wings.

……from their I’ll fast forward to today, 3 mosquito wings in a bunch, E5, sergeant, sitting in a Guard tower in Ramadi Iraq, dutifully composing the story of his life instead of scanning the bushes for Haji.
When you spend as much time as I do in the semi idle, unintelligent, bottom of the latter Army work, you tend to mull over decisions that caused you to arrive in such a place of subjugation.
After joining the Army, most enlisted soldiers go through a grieving process over the loss of their freedom.  Especially when they are shipped directly to Iraq after training.  And some of us never make it out of the anger and questioning phase into acceptance.
The constant refrain of Army leaders in the presence of such bitter outcries of injustice “you signed the contract, didn’t you?” They say this in a room with A/C just as you are headed out in the heat of summer with 60 pounds of gear on your sholders, and a helmet slumping over your eyes so that you bang into the door on the way out. 
“yes, I did” I just failed to understand that 5-8 years means 5-8 years.  And in that span I have an obligation to make my own will subservient to the will and want of the whole.  What i want is second to what the Army wants.
Ironically, signing the contract was a thrilling, invigorating and happy experience for me, I was so drunk in the idea that I was being a responsible person in pursuit of my wants that I failed to consider the price they would extract from my soul as a result.

don’t misunderstand, the army has given me alot of good things.  Jon, Miguel, Harley, Farsi, a sweet haircut, combat boots, money consistently and a cold slap of reality.  But it takes its toll on you emotionally.  Biggest reason being, you constantly ask yourself, at least I do, why am I doing this?  Specifically, guard tower, in this freaking, dusty, muddy, hot, cold, lonely and psychotic country.  What is this all about?  What is life all about? 

I posed the question to a number of my friends here in Iraq, “what if camp Ramadi is all you had? And would ever have?”  The answers are something along the lines of…
“thats not possible”
“I couldn’t do it”
“I would be really depressed for a really long time but I might get over it”

My friend JL calls it the “sea of tan”.  But worse than the color scheme, its like all of us are not really present.  We are just going through the motions of life for some alterior motive, MONEY, FAMILY, FEAR OF PUNISHMENT AND MONEY…. AND MONEY.  And FAMILY.  Few live for each other, in the present.

Unlike alot of people, I don’t call home everyday, every week or even every month.  I live for here, now, Camp Ramadi.  Camp Ramadi is my life.  And I think thats the way it should be. 

Wouldn’t it be a shame to life your entire life for somewhere, something or somebody else?  Always so caught up on whats not here, ever to recognize what IS here. 

This little personal philosophy doesn’t work so well in my life.  Especially when your life consists of, so very few things, Idle time at the gate, Internet political news, more idle time, food and then sleep.  Wake up REPEAT.  I see only 3 or 4 people on a regular basis, Mike, JL, 1SG and SSG Bates.  Mostly just Mike and JL. Those are my people.  And I’m not going to marry them when I get out of the army, so there isn’t much long term hopes dreams aspirations which we hold mutually. 

In the words of Barack Obama “If Everyone is your Family, No one is your family”  I have learned this lesson the hard way.  By trying to love the world, I only dug a deep pit with the hopeless realities that are staring me in the face.   This world is too hard to face all by yourself.  Thats a problem I’m going to have to address later on in life. The family life question.

For right now, I’m focusing on a future which I will find the most fufilment and happiness in personally.  And I see AU as a sort of summit to accomplish that.  The application process is the first step on the path.  

STEP ONE… The essay question for the American University is “AU embraces the motto ideas into action, action into service.  How do you embody this” 500 words or less

I thought so hard about this question, I liken it to a cancer eating away at my stomach.  It haunted and plagued me at nights.  I couldn’t sleep.  I finally go so tired of rewriting it. I couldn’t let this question destroy me and rob me of life.  I copy and pasted three different versions of it together, closed my eyes and hit submit.  Mistakes and all.  Smart? No.  But it needed to happen.  I needed to kill the rooster.

The basic idea I tried to express in my essay is that selfless service to a small community rewarding and is the only practical motivation for life in harsh conditions.  Its the only good thing to live for, and I may not embody it, but I want to try.  And I want this to be the motivating force in my life: Community.

I could just imagine in my head the admission department worker reading over my essay and using the following system of judgement on it: A. Is it genuine? B. Is it intelligent? C. Is it consistent with what AU values as a school?

The only one I could answer for sure in my own heart was C.  As well as I understand AU, and judging by the type of question they ask, it is a school which values public service.  Meaning, diligent, hardworking, considerate and responsible service to the betterment of the whole.  Basically SELFLESS SERVICE. 

The only problem is, I have never ever in my life been capable of one single selfless act.  Certain acts may be mutually beneficial.  But I certainly couldn’t say that I was ready to live my life as a sacrifice to the world.  I don’t want to put the burdens of pain, suffering, poverty and war on my back and sacrifice my happiness in the process.  If I don’t come out with more in the end, it aint worth it.

No, what matters is MY HAPPINESS.  That has always been what my life has been about.  It’s a paradox that I joined the army as the lowest form of public service imaginable.  The closest thing to total servitude which midwestern white kid can find for himself.  Was that how I imagined I would be happy?  In a prision of a observation tower in Iraq?  It has the reverse effect.  It deprives you of so many of the things you normally take joy in, that you find nothing better to do but COMPLAIN COMPLAIN COMPLAIN. so much so, that you are one day forced to wake up and say, What is wrong here?  Is it the conditions, or is it me?  Is the Army the problem or am I the problem?

No, I’m not selfless.  So why would AU want to accept me?  Rather than focusing on A.  I focused on B.  And tried to intellectualize the question. I got so deep into thinking about it day after day after day.  That I came to the conclusion that the natural human condition is not selfless, at best it is only acts responsibly within the law.  I am only capable of being responsible.  And perhaps thats the only reason AU should accept me, because Ive responsibly served this country.  I haven’t always had a smile on my face, but I’ve showed up.  In the army, its more of a fear of punishment which drives action, but I’ve always submit to that fear.

But in the end, that doesn’t make me worthy.  It doesn’t really distingush me from the crowd. It just means I’m smart enough to realize that 15 months in Iraq is not worth a lifetime with the status of “deserter” or “dishonorable discharge”  The real truth is that I would desert our country in the event of War in a second for my own happiness.  Let the whole world explode just give me an island in the south pacific with a few(many) things to make me happy.

So why should AU accept me again?  Because I’m smart?  I’m not really that smart. I joined the Army as a private remember.  when I could have been reading Plato, I was washing dishes.  When I could have been writing essays on the history of communism, I was shinning leather and putting hot iron on fabric.  When I could have been meeting girls, I was stuck in a tent in the middle of the woods with a stinky dude.

Not smart, not genuine, not selfless.  But I still want to go to AU.  Why…. because I want to be happy!  And AU is my ultimate vision of happiness.  But thats what I thought about the Army!  .  AU can’t give me happiness.  AU is just an institution made up of people. just like the Army.

The only way to be happy is through relationship with others and then community which results.  And the only way to relationship is selflessness.  I believe this, so I hit submit. 

Do I embody it? No, But i want to.  Its the direction I would like to move in my life, Jesus help me.

Its impossible to give a favorite for anything in life….book, movie, song, nascar driver, ice cream… you pick.  Nascar driver really isn’t a hard one… I don’t like any of them.  My apologies to those who live Indiana southward.  And the fans scattered elsewhere in the world. 

I won’t say its my favorite but listening to it today…. its damn close.  “cigarettes” “no regrets” “big black cape” “don’t be late”  BRILLIANT. 

Rather than getting involved in a long-winded philosophical debate which none of us have the energy to see through, I will try to describe, as clearly as possible, the popular beliefs that I have the most problems with.  This comes especially as a  result of Miguel’s complaint that I’m a drunken and not entirely comprehensible ranter.  A complaint which I will not defend myself against other than to say I don’t have access to alcohol here  in Ramadi.

Also, Thanks for contributing to the conversation, not just on the last post but on all of my posts.  I have thought over all your responses carefully. Thank you, Sandy, Bepa, Miguel and all the rest!

Now to business… There are two strings of thought which I feel are damaging, each in their own way.  One is materialism and the other is evangelical Christianity gone bad.  Almost all of my writing and thought surrounds rejecting of these two sets of ideas.  I used to think that I couldn’t reject materialism without accepting this form of Christianity.  However, I am prepared to reject them both and make up my mind on the “real” Christianity later on. 

Here are the retarded ideas as best I can describe them.

Materialism:

• Man is an animal; an advanced form of monkey
• Free will is an illusion. Guilt is irrational. All human decision is caused by the brain which is composed of matter which follows natural course of interaction therefore you and I are on autopilot.
• The only sensible goal in life is material wealth, comfort and pleasure.
• Morality is an invention of people, institute for the sake of survival and peaceful interaction
• Sex is purely physical act driven by powerful animal instincts. (refer to second point)
• All religions are myths which provide an imaginary significance to life.  None are completely true.
• When we die we cease to exist.
• If God or a transcendent being, force or essence exists he/she/it is essentially indifferent
   
  Thinking this way makes me want to kill myself just to get it over with.   

Evangelical Christianity Gone Bad:

• Believing* in Jesus is Lord is the way to Gods favor.  Its also grounds for acceptance into heaven.
• Christian work consists in putting the name Jesus on as many items as possible, bumper stickers, bracelets, tshirts, books, movies, businesses cards, billboards, key chains etc etc
• worship is singing christian songs
• you know you’re really a christian when everything you see around  you says christian on it.  If at anytime you feel dirty or like bad christian try to expand on this principle.
• If its “secular” it is bad.  If it is “christian” it is good.  Secular things included, TV programs, music, movies, books, public school and state college. Christian things include, things that are written, produced, built or created by Christians.
• Non Christians go to hell.  Explaination: Its not my problem and I did not make the rules. Its confusing to think that God uses this standard (refer to first point) but we all have equal chance to believe and they CHOOSE not to believe
• If you doubt you are a Christian, it is the devil talking in your ear
• If you don’t feel reborn its probably because you haven’t believed in the first place.  Refer to the first point and try to believe again.
• If you find it hard to distinguish, on a practical level, the difference between yourself and those that call themselves athiests and agnostics, don’t worry too much. Just remember back to the moment you first believed.  Anyways, God loves sinners.

If someone asks why you don’t act like a christian, REMEMBER THIS IDEA, Christianity has nothing to do with how you act.  The only qualification is to believe.  Belief is commonly displayed in good works, going to Chruch and spreading the Gospel.  However it is not dependant on such things.  Believing is an act in itself detached from other actions.  If anyone ephesises works as the expression of belief, they are a legalist acting outside the will of God.  If a person lives a “secular” lifestyle and calls themself a Christian most likely he have never really believed. (((confused? yeah, so am I)))
 *In this system, believing is directly tied to proclaiming.  It can be replaced to say “Proclaiming Jesus as Lord is the way to God’s favor” but you will never hear evangelicals say it like that. Because its blaintaly unchristian.

My answer:

I reject the Material view of reality because I have suffered after accepting it on a practical level. It is comepletely unliveable. It leads to despair.

I reject the shallow version of Christianity because it did provide the peace it promised in my life. It causes despair the same way materialism did. Looking and sounding like a Christian didnt give my life meaning, purpose and coherance. It didn’t enable me to become a better person.

I see the breakdown like this, saying that faith is more important than works commonly justifies living a contradictory lifestyle even if its not implicit in the arguement.  Paul specifically tells Christians not to use their freedom as a lisence to sin, but Christians do it anyway.   

 This is a perfect setup for the creation of two different selfs. The public and the private self. Its doublemindedness which the bible warns against.

Are they not saved?  Are people with this type of double mind, not Christian?  They say one thing and do another. 

Plain logic will tell you that belief defines actions.  For example, I believe that the New York Times gives a reasonable report of the termoil which is happening in Keyna
I act in consideration of my beliefs.  If I choose to go to Kenya its not because I believe its peaceful there but because I’m willing go into an insecure envornment.

Similiarily, if a christian sins, it is not because he believes its an okay thing to do, its because he values short term rewards over the long term concequences.  It doesn’t disqualify him from being genuinly christian.

The consequence of sin is always guilt if not tanglable conequences. And it doesn’t go away until the deed is confessed and dealt with (Christians use your own method here).  It definitely wont go away as a result of going to the alter for a second time at a Billy Graham crusade.  This has always been a problem with me, I felt that accepting Christ again and again and again was the solution to sin and guilt.  As if “rededication” would take the problem of sin away.  If it didn’t work the first time its not going to work the 30th time.  There is something wrong in this cycle.

I figure its better to level with God and be honest and open about my doubt and the weaknessess of my flesh.  If I don’t start at that honest place I will never discover a faith that I can stand firm in.   

I’m trying to to line up my stated beliefs with my actions in public and private life.  I don’t want to say things I don’t mean or am not prepared to follow.  I’ve done that too much already in my life.  Right now I can’t say there is too much I DO believe in.  I reject materialism and evangelicalism gone bad but thats it.

Also, there has to be a Christianity that doesn’t involve a bullhorn in a crowed room. I don’t think evangelizing vocally is the essential work of a Christian.  It can’t be about the billboards, the tshirts, or the fads of pop Christianity. It can’t be about putting the name Jesus in the public arena for its own sake. If this is the basic work of a Christian, I want nothing to do with it.

Do I believe????? I don’t know.  What do you think?  Don’t you think the way I act says more about what I believe than what I say about what I believe? 

I don’t reject Christ.  I just don’t know.  Im a confused guy.  But I’m gonna keep seeking.  And I will hope, as Sandy said, that an honest search for answers will produce honest results.

I watched it and he may have been right.

How can some lame classic of 20th century American culture hold so many answers?  I don’t know, but it does.

It’s not like the truth embodied in film.  Like every human construction, I’m sure it is flawed.  Its more like an arrow pointing in the right direction.

It’s a Wonderful Life isn’t a religion or not really even a code to live by.  The final culminating message of the movie is stated bluntly by the words of a simple minded angel Clarence, “Remember no man is a failure who has friends”  Not much to live by but its true.

The picture it gives of the world is positive. George Baily is saved by his friends.  Everyone lives happily ever after.  The hero wins and the villain is defeated.  The goodness of the human heart prevails under testing.
Its sort of necessary that a Christmas movie leaves you feeling warm and fuzzy inside or else we wouldn’t feel so inclined to watch it at Christmas time.  However life is not always fair.  And being a good guy like George Baily doesn’t mean that life is going to be automatically rosey in the end.  This is my only criticism of the film

I’ll first give you a brief synopsis of the movie and then discuss my thoughts in greater detail…..

 George is an ambitious, talented and handsome young man fresh out of high school.  Hes ready to build his future with skill and hard work.  He radiates confidence and he knows inside there is no limit to what he can become.  He envisions himself as an industrious American builder of railways, bridges and skyscrapers.  He imagines using his financial success to explore the entire globe.  The future holds wonder, riches and promise.

 Just as his plans are taking off his father dies and he is forced to take over the family business, a building and loan company. The motivating factor in his decision was the deep sense of community and responsibility that his father past along.  George gave up his future for the sake of a simple principle his father lived his life by: individuals and community are more valuable than riches. 

He refuses to allow the vilian, Mr. Potter, the richest man in town, to oppress the population of Bedford Falls with his greed.   He saves many of his friends and family from suffering harsh fates.

 Four years after his decision to take his Dad’s business he gets married and spends the rest of his young adult and middle life years as a family man of five children and a genuine servant of the community.  He lives modestly and within his means.  He grows and prospers but never becomes wealthy.  He gets by.

 George dreams never really disapear but he continually sacrifices for the sake of his community.  He give up his dreams for theirs.

Then disaster strikes in the form of a absent minded bank manager.  George finds himself on the brink of total financial failure and possible scandal.  In the blink of an eye everything he has build for himself is about to collapse and he quickly becomes bitter and dispairing.

In response to prayers from his family and friends an angel shows up to teach him what is truely valuable in life and thus saves him from his suicidal despair.  He sees what his life would have been like if he had never been born.  He sees how much good he has done in the world, all the lives he has touched and how empty his life would be without his loved ones. 

In the end of the movie, he is saved by the sacrifices of those who he sacrificed so much for. 

The deep moral of the story is not “be good to your friends because someday your gonna need them” but rather “true wealth is mesured not by what is in your bank account but by the love for your fellow human beings which you have built up in your heart”

The point is even if he had failed financialy he would still have had reason to live.  Helping those that one comes into contact with holds greater rewards than those that can be bought with money.

He was wealthy because he had given himself to others.  He sacrificed and therefore beheld the reward in his community and family.

So I’ll ask an important question.
Will those that care about others more than themselves ultimitly win the greatest rewards?

Its a Wonderful Life is wrong about one thing.  Giving yourself to others doesn’t guarante financial befinifs in this world. If anything it almost ensures the opposite.  It most definitly involves pain and alot of it.  Maybe great joy as well.  But definitly pain.

In real life George Baily would have gone to jail and his friends would have felt pity.  Half of them would not have given Geroge so much credit for thier own success.  And the other half would have been too irresponsible with their own money to be of service to him.  He would have rotted in jail and everyday he would say to himself “I gave you all so much, and this is how you treat me….” 

A better ending of the movie would have had him start a loan company in prison so that prisioners could buy Television sets.

Tell me if one serves thoses suffering in inner city DC, Detroit, New Orleans, Baghdad and Beruit, will he be filled with joy or a deep sense of the hopelessness of mankind?  

The true state of the world is ugly and the task to repair it, daunting.  Who has taken proper account of the darkness of the human heart and the great capacity of men to abuse each other so that one can say with confidence, man will always show love when the correct meaure of love has been shown to him? 

Can love prevail in the darkest coldest, hungriest and most oppressed recesses of the world?  Will those that give their life for others in this lifetime recieve the greatest reward?

Should we all give our lives daily to the priciple of Christ’s life?  Is this the only hope for our world? and simultaneously the only hope for the salvation of our own souls?  In the sacrifice do we find life?  In sacrifice to we find the greatest reward.

The only worthy mission in life may very well be “do unto others as you would ahve them do unto you”

But its not easy.  And don’t plan on recieving your rewards in the form of socital status, favors or monitary compensation.

Try tommorow to exercise that simple maxim of Christ and tell me if you are not disapointed in the benifits.  Its not that don’t believe it’s worthy, I only mean to express that as an idea it runs counter to the ways of the world and the habits we are seeped in as humans.

On this Christmas Eve 2007 The Underground Onus is officially endorsing its pick for the NEW CHRISTMAS CLASSIC: ELF

There is a serious reasons why this is my pick.  And I’ll explain by asking some questions.  Bear with me for a second…

 Have you ever wanted to break free from the shackles of society and be a kid again?  You ever wanted to jump on beds in furniture stores? Have you ever found yourself singing Bob Marley alone in the car wishing you could share that joy with someone?  Have you ever wanted to break free from the fears brought on by self consciousness?  Have you ever been maddened by the fact that no statement issued to a consumer has any real meaning anymore?  (“Worlds Best Coffee”) 

Welcome signs are obligatory.  The cheezy mandatory greeting of retail workers which are meant to make you feel cared for, make you feel soul less because the words are so empty.  “welcome to the Gap, Is there anyway that I can help you today” (I don’t know the officially greeting for the Gap, just a poor example) Translation: “How can I assist you in spending as much money as possible on things you may or may not need and things you may or may not want.”

Its cynical but there is reason to be cynical now days. 

Have you ever wanted to love your Mom and Dad and brother and sister, freely, graciously and spontaneously but don’t know how?
Does it bother you that you judge your father mercilessly for wearing Aqua Velva aftershave and wearing too much plaid?  Does it bother you that you judge your mother for wearing Christmas tree pattern sweaters and calling the ceramic ornament that Aunt Hilda made “just darling”? 

Are you tired of the world telling you who can love?  That you can only fall in love with a 120 pound C cup blond or a socially radiant charmer with a white teeth smile who plans to climb Mt Everest while simultaneously writing the first great novel of the 21st century?

What if we find that the family we have is embarrassingly quirky? And the boy or girl that we love has a speech impediment or a big fat mole on their forehead? 

Worse yet what if we find that we ourselves are failures by the world’s standards? We are poor, unintelligent, unacomplished and ugly.

So I ask you again, have you ever wanted to break free from the shackles of society!?

Maybe at no other time is the longing for genuine joy and love felt more than at Christmas time. 

If you……

…..are one to whom those questions resonate.

…..find yourself wholly consumed by our consumer culture and suddenly feel the weight of it at Christmas time

…..believe you are on naughty list  

THERE IS STILL TIME TO CHANGE.  First thing you do is watch Elf then follow these instuctions from the movie:

-Wave at a stranger
-get enthusiastic about crappy coffee
-If you think a girl is pretty, tell her
-If you think a boy is fun, let go of the image
-Keep it real. Wear your real emotions, at home, at work, on the street, in church and in the mall.
-Take your kid brother out for a snowball fight
-Run in circles in a revolving door
-Play hopscotch on white pedestrian lines.
-SING, alone, with someone or in public.
-Remember back to what it was like to be a kid.
-Put meaning back in words.
-Repair things with your Dad.
-Believe in the victory of love (because if you don’t everything disappears, dies and stops working)

Peace to all this Christmas.  And remember the Elf code:

1. Treat everyday like Christmas
2. There is room for everyone on the nice list
3. The best way to spread Christmas cheer is singing loud for all to hear.

I’m sorry if what I’m about to say is mean.  And I would totally give any of you an allowance to laugh at me if a bird crapped in my hair.

I got hand knitted wool socked delivered to my room care  of “Sock for Soldiers”, a patriotic support group.  And my first instinct is to toss them.  The problem is, I already have socks: high quality syntetic socks which are soft and cool, elasticy and have never once given me trouble.  On top of it, every three months or so my company supply sergeant issues me 3 new pair.  So I have a total of like 20 pair which I’ve accumulated through initial issue and 2 years of being deployed.   I don’t know anyone who needs socks.

But how can you  just throw away hand knitted socks?  The knitter would gasp in terror.  They are nice socks.

There was a typed note that came with the socks.  Here are some excerpts: 

Opening line…
“We at Socks for Soldiers, Inc. want you know what lengths we have gone to show what “Support our Troops” means in the household of each of the 1500 members around the Globe”

It then goes on to talk about how great wool is as a material…

And then what goes into making them…

“Each pair of our socks were hand knitted by a loving patriot from America or one of our allied countries who wanted to show their support in a meaningful way.  One pair of socks can take months to hand knit, with about 47,000 stitches per pair. Even at a drastic savings purchasing the special super wash yarns at wholesale, the average pair of socks can cost about 25-50 for materials”

….

“We knit into our socks our hearts and souls, fears and anxieties, our faith and our best hopes, as well as our prayers for each of you to get the job done and come home.”

On a somewhat related note, My buddy Brad told me this story he herd about an incident during World War II. The factualness of this story is undetermined. Here’s the gist of it.

 Supposedly, a German patrol intercepted a mail convoy to the front.  When they looted the packages they found one which contained a perfectly mint condition full sized cake with frosting and everything.  The German officer took the cake and that night while briefing them in preparation for an offensive used it as an illustration.  He said, “I want you all to look at this cake.  This cake traveled over 3000 miles.  Over country roads, through various postal stations, over sea and then through a war zone. While you are starving in your own country tonight.  Your enemy will be eating cake prepared by his mother 300o miles away.  This is the enemy you will be facing tonight.  This is their confidence and determination to destroy you.” 
((speech added for illustration sake))
Is the purpose of the socks simply to testify to the love and determination of folks back home?  Exclusively a message sent to communicate support?

I wore the socks, they are itchy and hot.  I won’t be wearing them again.  But I might pin them to my wall so as never to forget the person who labored over them for my sake.

Heres my message to Socks for Soldiers.  Don’t waste your time on socks.  Wake up to the fact that we live in a technological age where most hand made items even with the most skillfull attention and concern can not compare to a cheaper and more durable machine made product.  This isn’t true for every product but it is true for socks. 

We are the richest country in the world.  Hundreds of BILLIONS of your tax dollars are spent over here.  That’s right! BILLIONS!  We have more comforts here than you couldn’t ever imagine.  We have a Starbuck equivilent called “Green Beans”  Its hard to be greatful for “stuff”.  I personal have enough “stuff”  I don’t NEED anything. 

It would be unforgiveable for me to let me believe your efforts went to waste.  The message the socks send is powerful and clear.

Its also important to remember that I am only one soldier who happens to be stationed at a very comfortable base in a peacful part of Iraq.  My sentiments cannot be taken to represent all soldiers everywhere in Iraq.  I personally know soldier who are roughing it right now on Combat Outposts without proper showers or plesant food.  There may be some who like wool socks. 

Personally, here are two ways I think your efforts might be better utilized:
1. Quilts (more expensive and probably more labor involved)
2. ART in any form: paintings, photographs, arts and crafts.

If you really want to go crazy.  Do this.  Order an Arabic-English dictionary online.  And then transcribe it all by hand on one of those thick Barns and Noble Journals.  Use two or three volumes if you have to.  The Arabic will be difficult to write at first, but you’ll get used to it after a week or so. Then write in big bold letters on the cover in Arabic and in English:

“ATTENTION IRAQI READER: This Dictionary Was Transcribed By Hand By [INSERT YOUR NAME AND HOMETOWN].  Let this be a testiment to longsuffering and determination of the American people to see that our cause succeeds”  ((need the translation?? email me.))

Last thing, to the person who knitted my socks.  Thank You!  I’m sorry I can’t make better use of them.  In the letter it said you’ll “welcome [me] home with open arms”.  I can’t wait to be home.  People like you are the best thing about America.

In my first couple of hours back in the states while I was driving in a rental car from Atlanta to Augusta, I had a permanent smile on my face.  Random FM radio music was a catalyst of joy and my smile wouldn’t go away.  I felt the freedom in my bones.  I imagined all the occupants of the cars whizzing by me having no awareness that quality in the air.  Their obliviousness even caused me joy because the freedom was ingrained into their lifestyles as it should be for everyone everywhere.  I’m not talking about laws or governments either.  I’m talking about the absence of fear and oppressive elements.  Some in the US have it worse than I do in Iraq.  But there is something in the air in the US.  Some unspoken agreement that people have that says nothing can limit our happiness except ourselves.  Nothing will get in the way of us experiencing what we want with out lives.  Nothing will prevent us from seeing our loved ones. 

If you don’t think this sort of atmosphere exists in America.  Take a 18 year old kid who is about to enter college and put him in a camp where the only daily activities are working, eating and sleeping.  And don’t tell him when or if he will be released.  It will be a complete shock to his system.  And chances are he will experience emotions both good and bad which are totally foreign to his existence previous. 

If you operate the same test say in North Korea or Iraq or maybe even Mexico.  You’ll find people that understand much better how to deal with it.  And the experience will bear significant resemblance to their daily lives in society. 

 In America people don’t feel trapped until at least 40.  In other countries that threshold is significantly lower.

The first waking hours at Camp Ramadi share something with my first moments back in the US.  I’m happy and I can’t exactly put my finger on why.  I have alot of good friends here whom I’ve missed.  I have a routine here.  I know what to expect and I know how to deal with my situation.   My existence doesn’t extend much further than eating, sleeping and doing what time told to do for work.  But there is a certain relaxation which comes with such simplicity.

Life is all we have. Life is all that I have. More specifically, spiritual life. For there lives in each one of us a spirit that is sustained by some unknowable force. It is in one sense sustained by food, water and shelter. But ultimately that is just Maintenance on a perishable object. Maintenance on the shell. My soul is all that I own and all that I posses. I only get one of them. And the value is immeasurable. Its like the King in chess. You cannot say the queen is the most valuable piece. Just like you cannot say that the body is our most valuable possession. Because you can lose the queen (body) but you most always guard the king (soul).

It is almost a given that the soul will never perish. I don’t have to read a book of philosophy to understand it. Nor do I have to enter some mystical trance. Its seems granted that the spirit should endure after death because all that we understand of existence is understood through consciousness. Even the dream world is a form of consciousness.

So if this entity which I will call my soul is eternal by nature. It is the only think in the world worth cultivating because ultimitly its the only thing that I will get to keep.

If I were to die today I expect to enter into a place of utter and complete all encompasing peace. A place of the most relaxing and satisfying love.  To speak of earthly love, I imagine nothing better than waking up in bed to the tender caresses of a beautiful woman. I imagine this to be even more satifying that the nurturing embrace of a woman.

Its were the soul finds rest from all the fear, terror, guilt and angst which plauges it daily. Its where all the questions that need answering are answered and the ones that arn’t only bring a smile to your face becuase in their mystery you find a enternal love. It is a place where you are embraced by the only real father any of us have. Security is found only in his home, and in none others.

The world Im describing is as real as the world we eat, sleep, make love, talk, hug, drink tea, shit, pee, walk and run in. Its the spiritual reality which is more real thant the perishing reality which exists around us.

So the real reason I’m writing this is not so much to explain it to you all. Because it almost needs no explaining. But the reason I personally am writing it, is to understand for myself how I should aproach this life. Because ulimitly my life will be judged by a schale.

Some men are praised when they die. Others are mocked and cursed. Everyone has their own system for judging the actions of men. You can sometimes get thousands and even millions of people to agree that such and such person lived a good life. Take for example Mother Theresa. There is wide spread opinion that she lived a good life. Contrastly, there is a wide spread opinion that Adolf Hitler lead a bad life. And what is the mesure which people use to gauge those to lives? Effect on humanity?

Aldolf Hitler caused enormous pain and anguish to the Jews, he sent his country to war causing the deaths of millions of the fathers, brothers and sons of his own country as well as the deaths of millions in other countries. He is not singularly responsible for all these deaths. However the sum of his actions generated much more harm that good. So certainly, by the standard of this world, a man is judged by the good or bad which he causes his neighbor. Does he feed the poor or hord weath? Does he care for the widows and the fatherless or does he support pornography and prostitution with his wealth? Does he nurture his children or does he abuse them? Does he give or does he ursurp? Does he love or does he hate? does he steal or does he defend? certainly there is a ruler for each one of our lives. Some do more harm than others.

So back to my orignal point. The soul that labored in love is surely one that is able to rest in the justice of God? A life that is spent in the true spirit of service will reap the benifits of that goodness within their own soul. But the natural question tranistions like this: If nothing matters but the soul and the soul benifits by doing good works to mankind, Why then don’t we all do good works and live within the richness and fulliness of soul that the great saints of our time like mother theresa now benifit from in the afterlife?? That is the question that I have been asking in my own life amists my own contricictions and struggles. Why can’t I become like a Mother Theresa and reap the most valuable reward in heaven?

The answer is quite simple actually. We are decieved. We think we are doing good when in actuality we are doing evil.

Take porn, my own personal drug of choice. I could attempt to justify porn like so…. “the female form is a tresure to behold in viewing. The distrubution of pictures distrubtes the beauty and enjoyment of the female form to men all over the world. So we are not destroying we are simply loving more and with easier access”…. a more blunt and honest arguement might go like this… a woman that allows pictures to be taken of her knowningly allows those pictures to be distributed therefore there is no crime commited against her because she willingly participates. In our own screwd up systems of thinking when we look at porn we arn’t destroying or hurting women we are enjoying and being satisfied in them. Goodness=pleasure therefore the more pleasure the more goodness. However that resoning breaks down completly when the concequences of hedonism manifiest in the habits and addicitons that naturally spawn. Sexual desire becomes something akin to eating food. It craves to be satified on a regular basis. And the easier the pleasre is to obtain (porn) the more simply the act it self is diminished and taken for granted and that consumerism causes high demand for exploitation of the female form. Naturally not every woman wants to be exploited like that with pictures. In fact, I will be so bold as to say the MAJORITY of women don’t want to be treated that way. However the demand is high. Therefore the group which is naturally effected the most is the poor and the needy. Women sumbit to the pressures of society and subject themselves to something which is emotionally and physically harmful. You may be able to justify porn but very few people will agrue that porn doesn’t have a harmful emotional effect on those that participate in it.

So Ive just illustrated how what we think to be good and uplifting can sometimes prove to be morally degrading and harmful to others. We are blissfully blind of the damage we are causeing.

Whats the fix? How do we see clearly what is good and what is bad? And once we see the good how do we do it? How do we become a mother theresa and bask in the soul pleasures of Goliness? How do I live a fruitful and satifying life? Thats the very question indeed. Alas that is the question we all want to answer. but why does the answer alude me so horribly. Why is it that I don’t even know where to start? And in the absence of a starting place i feel depression covering me like a thick blanket.

Happiness is found in love: Giving love and recieving it. Its found in thankfulness and in the kindness and grace of God and other people.

Unhappiness if found in lonliness, isolation, blankness, darkness, nothingness, bordom and hopelessness of the soul.

Of course, we suffer from bottomless avidity. Our lives are so precious to us, we are so watchful of waste.  Or perhaps a better name for it would be the Sense of Personal Destiny.  Yes, I think that is better than avidity.  Shall my life by one-thousandth of an inch fall short of its ultimate possibility?  It is a different thing to value oneself, and to prize oneself crazily.  And then there are our plans, idealizations.  These are dangerous, too.  they can consume us like parasites, eat us, drink us, and leave us lifelessly prostrate. And yet we are always inviting the parasite, as if we were eager to be drained and eaten.
It is because we have been taught there is no limit to what ma can be.  Six hundred years ago, a man was what he was born to be.  Satan and the Church, representing God, did battle over him.  He, by reason of his choice, partialy decided the outcome. But whether, after this life, he went to hell or to heaven, his place among other men was given.  It could not be contested.  But, since, the stage has been reset and human beings only walk on it, and, under this revision, we have, instead, history to answer to.  We were important enough then for our souls to be fought over. Now, each of us is responsible for his own salvation, which is in his greatness.  And that, that greatness, is the rock our hearts are abraded on.  Great minds, great beauties, great lovers and criminals surround us.  From the great sadness and desperation of Werthers and Don Juan we went to the great ruling images of Napoleons; from these to murderers who had that right over vicitms because they were greater than the victims; to men who felt privileged to approach others with with a whip; to schoolboys and clerks who roared like revolutionary lions; to those pimps and subway creatures, debaters in midnight cafeterias who believed they could be great in treachery and catch the throats of those they felt were sound and well in the lassos of their morbidity; to dreams of greatly beautiful shadows embracing on a flawless screen.  Because of these things we hate immoderatley and punish ourselves and one another immoderately.  The fear of lagging pursues and maddens us.  The fear lies in us like a cloud.  It makes an inner climate of darkness.  And occasionally there is a storm and hate and wounding rain out of us.

tighness like pain spreads slowly from the center

like a open lighter flame in the middle of paper

internal organ tissue tenses under the ribs

a spasm of emotional pain

can’t tell weather its good or bad

pain or pleasure; burden or gift?

with neglect it may go away forever

with attention it may overtake like a cancer; eating away my stomach from the inside out

The regonition arrives: this is my life, my heart,

Here lies my responsiblity; wonder and fear

Maybe this is an oversimplification of the christian worldview.  But doesn’t it say that the right path is hard and that only few find it?

It says that God doesn’t will that one man should perish but in his creation men seem prone to that very outcome.  As if the conditions were conducive to it. 

I can’t understand why so many people should be so confused about the purpose of this life.  the question itself evokes alot of laughs.  There is broad consensus over the hopelessness of the struggle itself.  Should an average fellow living in the world with an average education expect to find an answer which will satisfy?  Some highly educated people have written massive volumes on it and still find the answer elusive.

What is the end state of this creation we reside in?  I get angry when conservative Christians want me to adopt the worldview that only a select few will make it into heaven.  What a waste that would be.  Why should God bother creating life at all when the endstate is more negative than positive?  More people suffering than experiencing joy.   And we’re not talking about a bad day in the desert… were talking about eternity in a lake of fire.

Ive herd alot of preachers say “God has a purpose for your life”  Its declared from the pulpits of almost every church in America.  But according to my reading of the Bible that purpose God has in mind is hell for the majority of his creation.  Heaven is the destiny of the few chosen ones. 

Did I miss something in Sunday school?  Am I way off track here? 

((PS The purpose of this blog is not to destroy the foundations of other people’s faith.  I’m open to criticism.  And I never want to claim that I have an authoritative understanding of Christian teachings.  I want to find answers and unfortunately my journey starts here from this negative place.  questions and comments are welcome))

Its that part of a child which tastes the full quality of watermelon.  It sparks the desire to stick a hand out the window at 60mph; letting the wind move it up and down in a wave.  Its that feeling in your stomach when you ride a bike for the first time feeling like you are flying on two wheels; the brain simultaneously marveling about such a high speed balancing act.

Its a time when every experience is new its easy to feel happy.  Life happens easy. 

 We only feel the shadow of such days now.  The sensations are dulled but we go through the motions of activity imagining that the feelings remain.  All of us being in a mad rush to find that intangible element of youth and wonder. 

If we could somehow breath more deeply the fragrance of life maybe fresh horizons would apear?

Didn’t Jesus say that even if a man gains the whole world but loses his soul, its all for not?  ((That makes sense to me if the soul is indeed eternal.  Whereas this world and this body are temporary))

I guess I say all these random statements as a preface to share with you all an idea which crept into my head.  In few words this “idea” is, the dignity of each human soul.  The weight and value of it if you will.  Behind every set of eyes that you encounter in the course of your day there is a distinct soul behind it which is immensely valuable and sometimes beautiful..  Perhaps a similar reflection makes a Mother Theresa love lepers who are hideous and wasting away on the outside but contain this precious asset on the inside: the soul.  If one treat the each human being with this type of reverence is it possible that a new joy will spring up in ones own soul.  Perhaps in the recognition and respect for other human souls, ones respect for oneself would even rise. 

I challenge each one of you reading this, Am I just raving?  Or is such a constant awareness and reverence for fellow men and women essential to a spiritually oriented life? 

Peace Yo! And thanks for all of you that read this blog over the past 2 years!

I have a lot of thoughts about Paris Hilton.  Two days ago I spent almost 8 straight hours in front of a television screen watching images of this young woman flash across the screen.  The coverage was disturbing.  I literally had a stomach ache after watching it.  I experienced so many emotions watching it: pity, anger, jealously, curiosity, contempt and thoughtfulness. 

It was broadcast under the facade of it being a justice issue.  Was justice served?  Did the police make a mistake?  Who should stand accused Paris or the LA police department? 

You know why we watch?  The same reason why you turn your head to see a car wreck.  We love to see the rich and powerful crumble under the weight of their decadent lifestyles.  We love to point the finger.  We love to criticize and survey the carnage. 

But the issue is also deep into the fiber of our social structure.  We see in Paris Hiton an epidemic of a vanity and lust.   Young women all around us crave attention: it could be your daughter, sister, cousin or friend (or girlfriend).  Paris has what they want.  And they strive to present themselves as all powerful beauty icons.  We love to rail against the decadence of this behavior because in our ranting we imagine that we are standing ideologically against the current of American culture.  But we also get the queezy feeling that this is a huge problem.  Paris Hilton is an easy target.  But we all know she isn’t the root of the problem.  The problem is us.  There is a reason she is a cultural icon: We put her there. 

Check out this article.  Its pretty good: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/jamie-lee-curtis/mom-its-not-right_b_51507.html 

Its all been done before of course.  An idividual’s experiences in life may be comparable to the lives of others in previous generations but theirs are never exactly the same.  And it doesn’t necesarliy diminish the quality of newness to that individual just becuase someone else has done it before you.  For example, when a woman has her first child it is essential a brand new experience. Very awesome and powerful. 

 Marriage, childbirth, wars, famines, diseases, aniversaries, political movements and physical movements.  Its all new to the individual experiencing it. 

 This isn’t the life I expected for myself.  That thought struck me as I walked back to my room from work today.  I made a silent regognition of some of the realities of my present day life. 

I’m on my second deployment.  I’m a sergeant in the United States Army stationed in Iraq.  Fighting indirectly(or directly depending on how you want to look at it) against small groups of middle eastern people.  More so than all these “honorable” or newsworthy classifications of myself which I mentioned.  Just the fact that I’m here under the hot sun inhaling the dust kicked up by the water truck as it speeds by on the road. I’m a 23 year old man trying to understand how to be just that: A man. Its all essentialy new to me. 

To live in a room like this is to live in the world of ideas. Trapped in the mind. To think of God is only to think of your own view of God. Or to think of the God which other people describe (via the Internet)

The more entertainment the better. The more things to help in temporarily forgeting about the fact that I am trapped in a tiny prison, the better.

Sometimes I go to my roof and watch the palm trees and the pigeons. Its my communal time with God. Its easy to see that God gives the pigeons life. And in staring at them I can witness something which hasn’t been made my the hands of man, nor is it controled by man. Its 100% his creation. And in a larger and more mystical sense, I am his creation watching his creation. Thus communion.

For all our power to control each other we, as people, are all subject to something much greater. Namely the Living God. The one who created, sustains and ends this life. The origin.

Its all fine and good to live in the world of ideas. Its a vast world with great power to entertain. But all of us have to step outside of the concrete walls of our mind and come face to face with the flesh and blood reality that 1. we exist. 2. we will die eventually. And what a seemingly senseless and absurd reality that can be if you don’t believe in the ever present living God.

Faith is hard, hard hard for me. The cross of Christ sits before my mind as the most appealing yet absurd idea imaginable. I can’t understand it with my intellect. I can only scratch the surface of it by staring at the pigeons and thinking its just the master communicater tying to tell me that he wants a relationship with me just as I am.

In the same way he communicates his beauty by 4 birds perked in a row on a palm branch against the backdrop of the deepest blue imaginable, he communicates his love through the Cross.

All of that stuff its available via the RZIM web page. And I encourage everyone to check it out.

I took the title “Christianity with Staying Power” from Ravi’s response to a question by a Columbia University student, during a Q&A there which is also available at his website. The question and Ravi’s response is given below(its a good read) I transcribed it myself as accuratly as possible to the spoken words:

Student: “You mentioned earlier that the number of people who
are begining to follow Christ in China and also in India,
…..which is a complete blessing, You’ve also alluded to, and
other people have said church is “dying” in Europe, or certainly the
number of people following Christ is declining. Two part
question: Whats your opinion about the state of the Church
in the US and is there some larger statement that you could
make about the supposed trends aross the world?

Ravi: “Unfortunatly, you may not like what I’m going to say here, I
hope I don’t offend anybody. The problem with America today
is not America, its the church. We have become very shallow
as Christians. Very Shallow. We’ve become masters at
engineering feelings without much thought. There is very
little thinking that goes on in Church. We repeat things.
Parrot things. We have not thought our faith through. We
have not listened to others and thought what their questions
are. Our answers have become very shallow. In trying to
become seeker friendly we have become message unfriendly. We
have no real depth in what we are trying to teach and speak.
Life has got its jagged edges against us and we are giving
simplistic answers. Somewhere we fell into the trap that
believing music is everything….Forgeting it is only one thing.
And teaching and ideas are important. An expendature of words
without an income of ideas will lead to conceptual
bankruptcy. And we are so conceptually bankrupt on this. We
cannot really explain these things. And until our church
wakes up to what our message is. And thinks deeply about
these things. We will slip deeper and deeper into parroting
phrases that have very little difference in our lifestyles.
So, I think that is a problem.”

“But on the other side of it, there are men and women today,
men and women like yourself and students here who long to
come into the church to think. And if we would only
recognize that and respect that. You know, I’ve had 12 and
13 year olds ask me more profound questions than many others
ever had and they are not finding answers being given to
them. So that is a reality.”

“When you look for example at the European scene. Europe is
living under an illusion that it is expelling religion.
Nature arbors a vacum. Europe will not be irreligious for
long. Another religion will take over. And completely
change their culture. And the reason is, the religion that
has been given by choice is being evicted to a religion that
probably doesn’t give them a coice. (it)will take over.
Prince Charles has said that when he becomes the monarch he’s
going to be calling himself “the defender of the Faiths”
Plural. Rather than “defender of the faith” Well if that is
what he is going to do then England is going to have to
rethink what its future is going to look like. France is in
trouble that way. Germany is in trouble that way.”

“The world is going to be dramatically effected by two nations
in the next few years: China and India.
I was speaking at Ching Qua University in Bejing to business
scolars and so on. They took me to the forbidden city. Just
contiguous to Tienamen’s Square. Walked past it, first
gate… many yards…second gate…many yards…thrid gate,
fouth gate, fifth… And I arrived there and I saw a banner:
“Merry Christmas” While here in New Jersey one woman made it
impossible to play even Christmas tunes at Christmas time
becauset the tunes offended her. I went to Bejing and they
wished me a Merry Christmas in the Forbidden City. These
kinds of things are happening. In Korea the church is really
thriving. Singapore…and India too…alot of response now.”

“Am I therefore giving up hope for America? No. I think
America’s resiliance will come to the fore again.
I was speaking to the floor of the State Legislator of
Florida and its interesting the questions they ask you.
I spoke to the African heads of state and even President
Mugabi, came over and shook my hand. I had spoken on four
thoughts: Eternity, morality, accountablity and charity.
They wanted to talk to me about that.
When I spoke to the United Nations the ambassadors were lined
up and the President said, ‘would you like to please come to
my room and pray for us?’
World leaders don’t have the answers anymore and I think
America’s youth will rise to the occasion and men and women
like you. And students like you, will come through. But it
will have to be a passionate and thoughtful christianity. Not
a mindless emotive one. That has no staying power. I think
it’ll happen.”

What if Christianity wasn’t so much something to be learn but something experienced. For example: When you go on a vacations Cruise you don’t say to yourself “how must I enjoy this cruise??” (Unless your a crazy person like me, I could actually see myself saying that). But the point is. Relaxing and having fun on a cruise usually doesn’t require the deliberate process of learning. If it did, less people would go on cruises. The spririt of the vacation is this: GO, see the sights and come back refreshed. What if Christianity was the same way, you didn’t have to ask the question: “how do I make myself able to digest this??” What if: you go, sit at Jesus’ feet, ask questions that matter and walk away feeling refreshed.

Going to Church sometimes feels more like math class, all you see is squiggles but the guy at the chalkboard keeps telling you its easy. You leave feeling like crap and with a lot of homework. (Thats always been my problem anyway)

I had a conversation with my friend Andrew where we talked about the reality of God. And it got me thinking about this idea: Jesus was in the flesh. Real life. As real as your computer screen. And as real as your hand on the mouse.

Jesus was a man who live in the the same time/space as you and I did. He was born in a real town: Bethlehem. He preached among real people who had real children who then had their own children and on and on, and somewhere they their descendants are alive to this day. You might even have bumped into a few.

After Jesus rose from the dead, his flesh was a real as yours and mine. It was the ultimate in Miraculous action. A body which sustains itself by its own personal supernatural power. But real men witnessed it.

Peter taught in the way Jesus did. And Peter told about what he saw. He taught others who then taught others and on and on and somewhere that line of teaching is still alive to this day. It could be in your own church.

The stories where written on paper or paprus(whatever) and carried to other towns where they were copied and then taken to other towns and other individuals and on and on AND today you have the new testament.

All these fragments of ideas bring me to my this one point and the real reason for my writing:

I been having a hard time in my life knowing how to be a Christian. I don’t like just “having faith” in the idea that Jesus rose from the dead. And that he was God incarnate. Died for my sins. And provides the way to eternal life. If I really believed all of that, would I get so frustrated by menial army labor??

I’ve been fearful that I don’t truly believe in Christ deep down in my heart. “Am I truly a Christian?” And if I am why isn’t it a bigger part of my daily life not just my life outside work? Why doesn’t the reality of Jesus’ life an ressurection play a bigger part in my life?

I want to learn more. And I want to surrender my life to God as it applies to the Army, Family, money, career, friends and lifestyle. But the Christan faith teaches me that true change comes through faith. “by grace you are saved through faith”.

And faith comes by hearing the word of God. And the words of God are not shallow or oblivious to history, science, religion, sociology, psychology, astrology and politics. They define all of those things. And I believe they can be understood through real life principles. Any other type of faith makes for a life that may appear devout but is too insecure to provide any real peace in this chaotic world. Standing on a street courner blaring with a megaphone that Jesus rose from the dead doesn’t make for a good starting point in the faith.
Faith must be real and all encompassing if life is to be lived as Christ wanted. That faith doesn’t come easy!!! Its hard work and I believe it starts with being honest with oneself about what one believes.

I want to wait to make bold claims about who Jesus was, I want to touch the wounds on his sides first. That will give me the final answer to all the crazy questions of this life.

If accept something with an ingenue spirit, I will find my security in a religious system rather than the Ever present God. In other words, there is no sense professing faith in a system that is unintelligible to me. It must be something I truly believe in, as real as the faith that there is a God.

I believe in Christ. I believe he is my savior. But I’m going to be honest in how I understand him from here on out. Just maybe he has more to teach me? And maybe he’s not done revealing myself in my life?

50 HARD BOILED EGGS, ONE HOUR

LUKE: “boy look at him go, BAM,BAM!!”
DRAGLINE:”knock it off, Luke, you can’t talk about him that way”
LUKE: “You still believin in that Big Bearded Boss? You believe he’s watchin us?”
DRAGLINE: “get in here, aint you scared? aint you scared of dying?”
LUKE: “DYIN!? boy, he can have this little life anytime he wants to!! YOU HEAR THAT, HUH? YOU’RE WELCOME TO IT, OLD TIMER! LET ME KNOW YOU’RE UP THERE C’MON! LOVE ME;HATE ME KILL ME;ANYTHING! JUST LET ME KNOW IT!”
(**luke disapointed God didn’t strike him dead**) “just standing in the rain talking to myself.”

The MAN: “you gonna get used to wearin’ those chains aft’a while, Luke…don’t you neva’ stop listenin to them clinkin’, ’cause they gonna remind you of what I’ve been sayin’….’fo’ yo’ own good’”
LUKE: “I wish you’d stop being so good to me, captin”
THE MAN: “Don’t you never talk that way to me…((beating ensues. Luke falls down the hill))
THE MAN:”What we got here is a fa’ure tu communicate.” “Some men you just can’t reach, so you get what we have here last week…(points to Luke) which is the way he wants it. WELL, HE GETS IT. (captin sighs, looking grieved) And I don’t like it any more than you men.”

A brief run down of the movie for all you that haven’t seen it (don’t allow my words to prevent you from watching. It might change the way you look at the movie, but it’ll be worth watching either way)….

The movie tells the story of Lucas Jackson; specifically his life in a hard labor prison camp somewhere in the south after World War II. The movie centers on prison life. Prison life alone. Many facts of Lucas Jackson’s childhood and adolescence are left up to the viewer to gander at.

Second Scene in the move:

The Captain states bluntly (reading is official file during Luke’s induction to the camp) “it says he that you did real good during the war: Silver star, bronze star, couple purple hearts….Sergeant (surprise in his voice)….and come out the same way you went in BUCK PRIVATE((confused))”
“Like I was just passin time, captain” says Luke.
“Well you got yourself some time now, 2 years.”

((LUKES CRIME: Destruction of Municipal property: cuttin the heads off parking meters in a drunken stupor. HIS DEFENSE: “you know how it is, small town, nothing to do on a friday night…..mainly just settling a score.”))

Luke, fights the toughest guy, “dragline“, in a boxing match. Loses bitterly. Almost gets himself killed. But the prisoners are impressed with his ferocious ability to not quit. Shocked by it, too.

Eats fifty eggs in an hour for a bet. Wins all the money in camp (On training his body to down fifty hard boiled eggs. He says, “it’ll give me something to do”)

Some facts are revealed about who Luke is….Never met his father. Raised by his mother. He meets her on her death bed when she visits the camp. He calls her “Carletta“…. When talking about his mothers love for him:

he says: “you done your best Carletta, i done got problems of my own “
“you aint alone luke, everywhere you go I’m with you….”
“you ever thought thats a heavy load?”

More Facts: He got engaged so a gal in Kentucky. she “sure left real quick with that convertible fella’”

After the death of his mother, comes the terrible downfall in the soul of Luke. Nothing to live for, nothing to hope for, no one to love him. And injustice of the Bosses on top of it.
He gets 5 days in the box for his Mom dieing. Captain says it causes man to get “rabbit in his blood” thinkin about the funeral.

He decides to escapes camp. Gets caught a couple days later…
Gets some leg chains, then escapes again the same day. This time for a good amount of time. But gets run down mysteriously in the free world….
He then Escapes a third time with a second set of chains and gets killed for it.

Thats the down and dirty of the movie plot wise.

What does a kid think when he watches a movie like this? I’ll tell you! I thought it was fun. Boxing matches, poker games, hard labor, bosses, funny southern sayings, ridiculous human feats of eating, “shakin a bush, boss” (when a chained man has to pee), prisoners googling over women, tricky schemes of escape and evading hound dogs.

Its everything a kid could want in a movie. The most unnecessary part is Luke’s dialogue with his mother. Boring words. Can’t make any sense out of them, anyway as a kid. What the heck is it doing in the movie, I wanted to know??

Cool Hand Luke is truly about sticking it to the man. Even a kid can understand that. “just sounds like a lot of bosses layin down alot of rules”(as Luke likes to say). Don’t let the man get you down! Keep smilin‘! They can break your back but they can’t break your spirit!

When you gotta guy like Cool Hand Luke, aint no force in the world gonna break his spirit! Mind over body: a strong heart can break the back of injustice, right!?

The kicker on the movie is that Luke loses in the end. He gets shot down, dead. No glory in this world. The “man” wins out.

Quick story, I got sent to a rehabilitation company my second week in the army after I broke my arm fighting pugle stick battles in Basic training. I spent two months in that torturous place, being treated like a malingerer that isn’t worthy of being called a soldier. I learned real quick that the Drill Sergeants are impossible to please. Don’t try to please the system, look out for YOURSELF. Regardless of your injury, you were treated like the worst type of malingerer. Mainly because there were truly malingerers there that wanted out of the military. The depressing fact of this place is that it broke the spirit of genuinely motivated and diligent soldiers that injured themselves in the course of their duties. We weren’t given the proper medical care or proper rest to recover, so some guys didn’t even make it out. And were FORCED to get out on medical discharges or “failure to adapt”. Its a sad place, and if a young kid winds up there with nothing much to look forward to in life, chances are, the brutal gears of the bureaucratic establishment are gonna chew up his willpower. And he’s gonna quit inside.

The fact that Luke came into the army a private, made sergeant and left as a private was not put into the movie by accident. It tells of a life that doesn’t lack ability or skill but only the desire to submit to authority. What caused Luke not to trust figures of authority is anyones guess: seeing unjust killing, (by his own hand or another), oppressive leadership, unjust issuance of awards and honors or unfair and unjust treatment of soldiers? The viewer is made to guess. The list could go on and on. But something broke in Luke’s mind, its undeniable. He gave up trying to please the establishment. In it he found no care or love. Risking his own life for his country didn’t get him anywhere. Or at least not spiritually. All he felt was guilt about his service to country(as shown in the last scene of the movie). He couldn’t please his own father at his very conception. He had nothing to give anyone but a drinking habit and mischievous nature. And that got him in the slammer.

I’m not done trying to figure this one out. I don’t know what makes Cool Hand Luke tick. But its something deep in the soul of everyman. The undying hunger for acceptance, love and more than anything approval. And not approval from the establishment! Or even fellow people! Luke was a hero in all respects, surely that didn’t fill the need. There is only thing in this world you need approval from and Luke knew it even in the last minutes of his life: GOD.

PS – **When you cut the heads off parking meters drunk, Who are you settling the score with?**

You do too, no matter where you are at! Wow, arn’t I profound? Should I really have to remind you fools out there that we all have the same spirit living inside us? The Human Spirit. Go hug your mom, now!

(intermission)Hearty Healthy Chiquita. Leaves Hands Feeling Soft and Refreshed with Moisurizers.((end))

I’ve just started living and it could end at anytime. Just like you!(again)

Don’t drink the kool-aid, no matter what anyone tells you. If you live from it your gonna be brain damaged anyway. So don’t drink it. Not even a sip.

Follow the leader. Not that guy——> 0\-< , though. Don’t follow him. He’s an ignorant fool who doesn’t even know where he’s leading you to.

Follow this guy.——–> (0\-< , he knows exactly where he’s going and how to get there.

Don’t use all the hot water, other people have to use the shower too! I know you like bask in the warmth but if we all acted like you, we’d eventually kill each other.

Soak up the kool breeze and the good vibes. I don’t care if its in portugese.

((No, I’m definitly not a writer either, you call this writing?))

The applause of the audience waits. The child waits to be thrown into the world of mysterious bravery. The father waits to be taught respect. The mother to be taught admiration. And the critics and dooms-dayers await for their due scorn. Everything hinges on concentration itself.

But the mind is a constant traveler. What can corral the mind?

Perhaps the easiest way for him concentrate is when he thinks about what is most true? There is a certain security in the truth which overpowers the insecurity of the tightrope. Perhaps he tells himself, “God, you’ve given me the ability to do this, this is the same wire i practice on in the gym, just higher up. You’ve shown me that over and over in my practices, that I can do this. I’ve done this a million times before. I know I cannot think about that rope, I’ll just start thinking about licorice, then my stomach…… And then you know what happens, Lord, then I fall, Just keep me thinking about the fabric of my shoes Lord…. please help me to hold onto the truth that I can do this. “

The tighrope isn’t a place for thinking about glory or doom or licorice, its a place for thinking about the truth. On it stands all the security in the world.

One day in February 2006 I sat on another ledge on the same hill and I marveled at the children playin on a 50×50 meter piece of flat land in the schools play yard. You can’t play soccer on the side of a hill. But you can build a home, a farm and a school on it.

But when you’re in Nepal surrounded by such lush fertile green at the base of a frosty gigantor of a mountain, the side of a hill is a good place for marveling at the wonders of God. Not only has he created this magnificent world but he plopped some people in who are able to live in the oddest of places.

Country music was everywhere. And I took a liking to it. Songs about horses, steers, cowboy and rodeos were real to me.
This was 1994 and no single country artist was bigger than Garth Brooks. He was my hero. Literally. No one ever told me he wasn’t a real cowboy.
How could a man sing about “broncs and the blood, steers and the mud” And not be a true cowboy? Answer that for me? Everything word of his came alive to me, and I felt the music.

But the point of writing this post is not to proclaim how great or even how fake Garth Brooks is. I want to speak about an interesting phenomenon which I discovered over the years in regard to my understanding of what music means to different people. Its told via Garth Brooks.

There were alot of Garth Brook’s songs which my child brain just couldn’t fully understand. Certain word and phrases tripped me up

here are some examples:
“I’d go for a drink but this county is dry.” – from No Body Gets off in this Town

“Every light is burnin‘\ In a house across town\ She’s pacin‘ by the telephone\ In her faded flannel gown\ Askin‘ for miracle\ Hopin‘ she’s not right\ Prayin‘ it’s the weather\ That’s kept him out all night\ And the thunder rolls….. And the lightnin‘ strikes\ Another love grows cold\ On a sleepless night\ As the storm blows on\ Out of control\ Deep in her heart\ The thunder rolls” from The Thunder Rolls

“Mama was a looker\ Lord, how she shined\ Papa was a good’n\ But the jealous kind\ Papa loved Mama\ Mama loved men\ Mama’s in the graveyard\ Papa’s in the pen”

“Well, the picture in the paper showed the scene real well\ Papa’s rig was buried in the local motel\ The desk clerk said he saw it all real clear\ He never hit the brakes and he was shifting gears” from Papa Love Mama

As a kid how was I supposed to know that Papa killed Mama by driving his truck into a motel because she was there with another man? Its just not a concept a kid can imagine without being told the details. There is not capacity to fill in the blanks because there is no frame of reference. Why would Papa kill Mama? It said a few lines earlier that Papa loved Mama. And now, the artist wants us to assume that he drove the truck into the hotel? That doesn’t even make sense.

Suffice to say, I figured out all these mysteries by the age of about 15. I knew what sex was. I knew what adultery was. I knew knew what love was. (or so I thought) I was convinced there was nothing more for me to learn about Garth Brooks.

Then my confidence shifted. I was exposed to the most fascinating sight. It left me dumbfounded.

It was my freshman year of High School. I was struggling desperately to be cool. And one night I found my way to the party scene. Not only was I hanging out with a Senior but I actually made my way to a party that was serving alcohol. WooHoo!

We arrived at this party pretty late and everyone was already good and drunk by the time we got there. Thats when it happened. I saw the most amazing site: 5 or 6 of the most popular guys in school were huddled around in a circle arm and arm singing “Friends in Low Places” By Garth Brooks.

Not only was I surprised that they were listening to Country music; never what I considered “cool” but I was disgusted at how out of place the song was. These guys weren’t cowboys, they could care less about “boots and chaps and cowboy hats, spurs and a latigo“. They were preppy suburban boys. The types who end up going to Kent State and graduating with degrees in architecture. And what does alcohol have to do with Garth Brooks. Shouldn’t we be listening to Beastie Boys or something? If Garth Brooks was so cool, why was I excluded from there company? I was singing that exact song with passion at the age of 10, so wouldn’t that give us something in common? Why did I feel so out of place in there company? Why did I feel so ignorant of what the song was even about? And why, for the first time, did that music not resonate at all in the environment I was in? Was there something about Garth Brook’s music I just didn’t fully grasp?
I assure you these were very real ideas in my head. Brought about more by emotion than by headiness.
I left the idea alone. I didn’t try to put words it. I just went with the flow and pretended I knew exactly why they were singing that song drunk at a party in suburban Ohio.

But now, as time has gone by, and as I’ve gotten a little experience under my wing. It all comes into focus.

As is probably obvious to anyone older than 15 “Friends in Low Places” is the the immortal classic in country drinking songs. Its chalked full of self indulgent sloppiness and disregard. It wasn’t what I thought it was as a ten year old. I thought it was about a bunch of cowboy buddies having a good ol‘ time at a bar. Why its called “low places” I had no idea.

The reference to whisky I thought were the same as the references to cowboy hats and chaps. Whisky is something a cowboy drinks. Just like spurs are something a cowboy wears. Both have a purpose, but I thought cowboys actually liked the taste of whisky and beer. I didn’t know its sole purpose was to flee into drunkenness. And in the case of “Friends in Low Places”. Whisky’s sole purpose is to replace loneliness with drunken self indulgence.

Alcohol is what keeps this cowboy ego from feeling the humiliation of lost love. With alcohol he can remain vengeful and never have to admit the reality that he is hurt, lonely and lost. Its a sad song really.

I finally understand it now: Its song about a sad drunk man.

On a deeper note, you can’t understand desperation until you’ve been there. And I don’t believe you can understand the true spirit of this song until you’ve experienced something like what this man experienced. Those suburban teenagers probably didn’t even understand it the way a seasoned adult would.

There is nothing more painful than the humiliation described in the song by the man at the wedding. I don’t even like to think about a situation that is that ugly.

You can laugh at it and imagine it but can you really understand the message of the song without experiencing pain of lost love? Loneliness is almost a prerequist to understanding the song.

Its not a joyous party song. There is nothing solidly joyous about it. Its vengeful, pathetic and deeply sad. Pleasure and something likened to joy springs from the self indulgence made possible by an absolute fleeing from reason. Therefore the song is best enjoyed with a few pints in the belly. Booze gives the song meaning. Because it provides the only justification for its upbeat melody.

Judge for yourself:

“Blame it all on my roots
I showed up in boots
And ruined your black tie affair
The last one to know
The last one to show
I was the last one You thought you’d see there
And I saw the surprise And the fear in his eyes
When I took his glass of champagne
And I toasted you Said, honey, we may be through
But you’ll never hear me complain

‘Cause I’ve got friends in low places
Where the whiskey drowns
And the beer chases my blues away
And I’ll be okay I’m not big on social graces
Think I’ll slip on down to the oasis
Oh, I’ve got friends in low places

Well, I guess I was wrong
I just don’t belong
But then, I’ve been there before
Everything’s all right
I’ll just say goodnight

And I’ll show myself to the door
Hey, I didn’t mean
To cause a big scene
Just give me an hour and then
Well, I’ll be as high As that ivory tower
That you’re livin‘ in

‘Cause I’ve got friends in low places
Where the whiskey drowns
And the beer chases my blues away
And I’ll be okay “

All that said, it is a pretty good tune. And you can still finding me belting it out every now and then…… If only for childhood nostalgia purposes.

My duty is extremely simple and my responisblites are extremely managable. My job is best described as “securty and oversight of technical equipment” I have alot of free time and full access to the interent.

I fear now that some high ups are going to read this and say, “He’s got it way too good lets get give him KP duty. Let have him clean porta-Jons. Anything. But lets make sure he stays busy doing something which is vaugly related to WAR and PAIN and CLEANING and MAINTENACE and TRAINING and TOIL.”

My response to anyone in power who should want to move me to more traditional army-like labor, “Go ahead, I have no right to protest, thanks for the break, it was thoroughly enjoyed.”

Arrangements like the one I have now never last. Its only a matter of time before someone vitally needs me for something like standing guard on a chow hall. So I’m making the most of my time off by playing online chess and studing Arabic online. I’m laying low (haha, not really, I’m actually broadcasting my luck to the world). So if you read this, don’t go telling my command what you herd.

When Im driving alone in my car, the idea of making an idiot of myself auditioning for American Idol doesn’t seem so ridiculous. Although I’m usually singing tunes from Mason Jennings or the famous barber shop quartet, The Fairfield Four. Hardly Show stoppers.

Sometime I don’t even sing in an intelligible language. When I listen to this new CD I bought by Elliades Ochoa entitled Estoy Coma Nuca. I just sing gibberish with very emphatic rolling of the Rs.

Sometimes the very thought that I’m acting like a mentally insane person inspires me to invest myself even more into the music.

I want to live in a world where we all dance like children. The idea of skill being totally unimportant to the participation in or enjoyment of music.

At this point I don’t have a lot of details. I can only convey my feelings about the whole situation.
The world I’m going to is a place of Red Bull and cigarettes. A lot of dirt and a lot of boredom.

The friendships you make are solid and they last forever. The scars you make, physical and mental, usually cut deep and they last forever too. The lessons you learn are learned by hard experience and leave an indelible mark on your character.

For a guy like me, a desk jockey, the battle I fight is to stay positive. I am of course thankful that I don’t have to man a security checkpoint or patrol the streets. My heart goes out to those guys.

For me, in the intelligence field, I fight the never ending battle of information and truth. The battle for good information in Iraq sucks. Its in high demand but there are few willing to give it and even more who simply don’t trust anyone or are incredibly suspicious. What it true is rarely appealing or conveneint. The truth is hard and it takes the cooperation of many parties to address.

As far as the situation in Iraq nationally and collectively, read what some of our most trusted American officials said about it in the Iraq Study group report:

“Sunni politicians told us that the U.S. military has to take on the militias; Shia politicians told us that the U.S. military has to help them take out the Sunni insurgents and al Qaeda. Each side watches the other. Sunni insurgents will not lay down arms unless the Shia militias are disarmed. Shia militias will not disarm until the Sunni insurgency is destroyed. To put it simply: there are many armed groups within Iraq, and very little will to lay down arms.”

“Sixty-one percent of Iraqis approve of attacks on U.S.-led forces. If Iraqis continue to perceive Americans as representing an occupying force, the United States could become its own worst enemy in a land it liberated from tyranny”

As far as the MISSION:

“Currently, the U.S. military rarely engages in large-scale combat operations. Instead, counter insurgency efforts focus on a strategy of clear, hold, and build, clearing areas of -insurgents and death squads, holding those areas with Iraqi security forces, and building areas with quick-impact reconstruction projects.”

“U.S. forces can clear any neighborhood, but there are neither enough U.S. troops present nor enough support from Iraqi security forces to hold neighborhoods so cleared. The same holds true for the rest of Iraq. Because none of the operations conducted by U.S. and Iraqi military forces are fundamentally changing the conditions encouraging the sectarian violence, U.S. forces seem to be caught in a mission that has no foreseeable end.”

Needless to say these problems are alot bigger than me.

My mission:
Follow the rules.
Follow the guidelines of the American policy in Iraq.
Only advocate what is true.
Do what is morally right.
Treat Iraqis with respect.
And STAY ALIVE.

In the first couple rounds she eliminated the majority of the low value cases. It looked as though her odds of leaving with a lot of money were extremely high. Almost every case of more than 100,000 was still on the board.
When there was about 15 cases on the board the alot of the high value cases starting being eliminated. And she was left finally with the possibility of having a million or basically nothing. There were still about 5 cases on the board.
instead of gambling with over 100,000 dollars. She made the extremely wise move to take the money.
Here’s my opinion, whatever the odds, however bright the outlook. No working class American should gamble with that much money.
She left with about 180,000. But because she had the million in her case every decision to gamble would have given her about 100,000 more. The final decision to gamble would have made her about 400,000 dollars more. And of course the odds would have been 50/50.

Was she wise? Hell yes she was. It doesn’t matter what case she had. She made the right decision. It was questionable weather she should have gambled with 50,000.

Now compare deal or no deal to another popular game show of years back, The Price is Right hosted by Bob Barker. I’m not going to lie, The price is right is a high stakes game. Contestants play for Furniture, Cars, Vacations and Cash. They also play for electric guitars, encylopedias and ride’em lawn mowers. But here is the difference. They very rarely ask their contestants gamble their winnings. You either win the game or you lose it. You don’t bring anything to the table and you almost always walk away with a set of lamps. Very few people are angry after losing at the Price is Right. Not even the producers of the show, after all if someone leaves with a lamp the cash generated from advertizing pays for the lamp.

Can you imagine Bob Barker asking the grand prize winner of his show
“Congrats on winning, HOWEVER, As a final game on the show we’ve brought a Vegas roulette table. Would you like to bet your winnings on black?” And then can you imagine him coaxing the contestant by telling him, “imagine the future you could buy for your kids?” As if gambling was every the smart way of ensuring a future for your kids. That happens every night on Deal or No Deal.
Deal or No Deal is NOT a game show its a GAMBLING show. Its appeal is watching average Americans gamble away thousands of dollars. Sometimes they win and sometimes they lose. When they lose we all feel bad and say, “he shouldn’t have risked it like that”
When they win and (by win I mean they walk away ahead of the previous deal), we think “it would have been fun to see him go for it”

We are entertained by people taking stupid risks. But just remember game shows haven’t always been so base.

SIDE NOTE:
The women on The Price is Right are called “Barkers Beauties”. The women on Deal or No Deal are called (I believe this is right, correct me if I’m wrong) The Deal or No Deal Models. And instead of having only one or two women on the screen at a time in The Price is right you have like Thirty on deal or no deal.

The mission is to feed your kids.

The mission is to fix septic tanks.

….direct traffic

….fight terrorism by way of fixing broken humvees

….kill termites

….kill cattle

….cut hair

….teach kids to read

….find broken M&Ms on a factory line

….build houses

….build roads

….build the machines that build roads

….build the parts that build the machines that build the roads

….engineer the parts that make up the machines that build the roads

What’s your mission?

The mission is the manifestation and spread of goodness, thankfulness and love between, amongst and inside individuals.

The missions is peace in the middle east, at home and in the home.

The mission is prosperity financially, physically and mentally.

The mission is knowledge.

The mission is giving to those who were born with less.

The mission is tolerance, mutual understanding of our different cultures and most importantly demanding emphasis on shared values and beliefs.

The mission is thankfulness, self-control and contentment with our possessions and our bodies.

The mission is forgiveness, healing and mercy to others and to ourselves.

The mission is love. Love God, Love your neighbor.

Knowing the mission is the easy part, isn’t it?
Deciding the battle and deciding the best course for victory is the difficult part. Victory is perhaps not the correct word because we all know that perfection will not be obtained on this earth…Deciding the best course for perseverance is a better question.

I’m not so much concerned with the morality of each “do or do not” but I’m concentrating more of the sway of women on defining the very fiber of our being.

One of my friends (who will go name less) told me recently “I don’t know what it is, but women have been the only thing that have motivated me throughout my life, I don’t know what I would be doing or where I would be right now if I wasn’t married” Is this pathetic? Or is it the natural course men should follow for their lives?

Of course, the answer lies in the middle and its kind of convoluted.

The positive influence of anyperson either man or woman is a great and beneficial provided the following things (these apply more to married people):
First, the change must be through and complete. What good is it to give up drinking when you hold the believe that you’re life could be better enjoyed with a few beers on the weekend. If you hold that view long enough you will view the source of the change as the limiter of you own happiness and the cause of your suffering.
Two, The change must bear fruit. If your wife tells you to stop swearing but you continue to lace your words with the anger, nihilism which swearing carries you’ve defended the true intention of the change. And continued causing hurt.

The more important questions in all this is: should man be motivate by sex (or the pleasure of female companionship)? Should women be sought for the rewards which only they can give? And should these rewards dictate who you are? For example, if all women everywhere were turned on uncontrollably by Nascar drivers, should you become a Nascar driver?

Women should be sought for sex just as chickens should be sought for meat. Its the natural order of things. When you’re hungry you eat. When you come of age and the hormones are ripe, you seek out sex. There is nothing wrong about it. And I’m sure that there have been many advancement in this world which can be linked to man’s desire to woe a woman to have sex with him. But the goal should not be, how do I con a woman to have sex with me, but how can I win a woman over through honest efforts. And when those honest efforts win out the responsibility of that communion manifests itself in matrimony.

Sex like chicken is only good for a finite period of time before you’re appetite is quenched. Even if you had all the sex and all the chicken in the world you wouldn’t be happy. You’d be fat and bored. Therefore there is a higher goal in life.

My personal opinion is that the highest goal in life is to love God and love your neighbor. (((If your neighbor is a smokin hot woman then you might be a little more blessed than the rest of us.)))

So I got to reading about the Islamic revolution of 1979 which overthrew the Pro-western regime of the Shah. I read about a guy named Ali Shariati (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ali_Shariati). He was a sort of philosophical and spiritual revolutionary. As I read about his life and the lives of other prominent Iranian political leaders and activists I realized that in a short period of time I learned more about the politics of Iran than I know about the politics of my own country.

So I typed in “George W Bush”. I read about good ol’ George Dubya. Here are the basic things I learned about our democratically elected leader of the free world:

He grew up in Texas. Went to a high school academy in Mass. Proceeded to Yale then to the Air National guard during Vietnam. He got his MBA at Harvard. Went on to work in the oil business. Ran for a office in the Texas legislator; lost. Worked in the political campains of his father. Bought a part of the Texas Rangers. Made 15 million dollars. Ran for governor in Texas; won. Ran for prez; won.

At some time during all this, his 40th birthday apparently, he gave up his life of alcohol abuse and accepted Christianity.

After reading a few paragraphs, I don’t claim to know everything about the guy. I’m not even claiming that this is a definitive history of the man. Amidst all the stages of his life I’m sure there are hundreds of facts both positive and negative which are mostly unknown to me. However from what I do know, I’m not impressed. His accomplishments don’t reflect the great character which you expect from great leaders. He was handed power on a platter.

During his 1978 Congressional in Texas his opponent said this about him in reference to his ability to lead the people of the 19th congressional district of Texas:

“In 1961, when Kent Hance graduated from Dimmitt High School in the 19th congressional district, his opponent George W. Bush was attending Andover Academy in Massachusetts. In 1965, when Kent Hance graduated from Texas Tech, his opponent was at Yale University. And while Kent Hance graduated from University of Texas Law School, his opponent — get this, folks — was attending Harvard.” [11]

I’m not bashing Harvard. After all, what does a peon like myself know about this school which has been around since the revolutionary War. I know it has brought light to this country and helped to mold great leaders. But I don’t believe Bush is one of those that Harvard had the proper effect. I see his Harvard as being a tool for attaining the power which he has always assumed belonged to him.

He made us and whatever we have is his.

Who we are is a part of him.

Its funny hearing talk about “being yourself”. Who am I? Who are you?

Im always challenged when I talk about it. I want so badly to understand myself through him. Its the truest I can be with myself.

Its hard to say what I expected from this whole experience. I guess I expected more action. More death and destruction. I didn’t see any. It kind of comes with my job description as a Military Intelligence soldier that I don’t see alot of the violence.

Most of the combat arms guys Ive talked to seem to have one or two stories of IED or VBIEDs blowing up on their convoy as they traveled throughout a city. Most all of us know someone that’s died. But you’ll rarely find guys who have been close enough to the enemy to look them in the eyes and shoot at them.

Overall, its not what I expected of a war.

The hardest part has been the feelings of isolation and stangnentcy. Being a soldier isn’t the most rewarding job when it comes to day to day affairs. There isn’t much you can do to improve upon your job skills when you have to sit in a guard tower 8 hours a day or monitor some intelligence system that will beep at you every 72 hours.

As far as our cause as Americans in Iraq, I feel proud to be a part of the action. I want to emphasize the word action because I believe that our government has been extremely proactive in effecting positive changes around the world. We’ve affected the lives of millions of Iraqis socially, economically, politically and internationally. A lot of people would disagree with the stance we took here in Iraq. There are a great many soldiers who would argue against our cause as well. But those same people don’t strike me as those that seek action when something is wrong. Im not implying that disagreeing with the white house means that you favor the status quo I only mean to say that there are less people who offer alternatives than there are people who bluntly and heatedly disagree with the current admixture. So my only bit of advice to those people who don’t like the direction which our government is headed is this: Stand up and do something about it. Get involved and effect the type of change you want to see. Don’t sit on the sidelines.

Many out you all out there have noted that I have been a little hard to reach lately. I assure there is nothing wrong. No emotional termoil or anything like that. Its mostely just the fact that I am tired of living in exile from my homeland socitey while here in Iraq and Ive stopped fighting the battle of staying connected. Im just tired really.
Im living in Bayji Iraq now, taking in all the sights and sounds here. With any luck at all, Ill be home in a couple of months. Not exactly home. I will visit Iowa, where my parents live but I will be stuck at Ft Stewart Georgia for the duration of my enlistement barring another deployment.

I write more soon.

A few days pass and the day of the show arrives. I am at work in the early morning hours and one of my sergeants comes up to me and says, your going to the USO show. She then turns to Cardwell and says, your going to.
So we get on the bus and head towards the auditorium. When I step foot into the gym I see exactly what I expected, a hot room overcrowded with people. I looked up in the bleachers and saw lines of guys walking to the very last row of seating. As I stood and wondered where we would sit some guy comes over and says, you can sit on the ground over here by the side of the stage. So I walked right over and sat down 20 feet away from the side of the stage. About five minutes later Colin Quinn walks through the door closest to me. Of course everyone recognized him, but there was absolutely no reaction from the crowd. It was just the normal crowd murmur; no change. He saw the lack of surprise in us and said something like “okay you can stop worrying, Im here”
Let me stop here and say that before I left for the show I was told that the chairman of the joint chief of staff was gonna be at the show which is essentially the only reason I was there. The commanders were worried there wouldn’t be enough turn out for General Myers so they made it obligatory for some of the joes.
Continuing, Once Colin Quinn entered, I guess the show coordinators realized that the press turn out wasn’t as high as they expected so there were a bunch of seats open in the front row right behind the performers, the 3rd ID commander, the CJCS’s wife and the general himself. So, who do they pick? Of course the group which is sitting on the floor. When I walk to my new seat I read the back of it and realize it was intended for the NPR reporter who didn’t show. Funny, huh?
General Myers is the first to speak, followed by Leeann Tweeten who happens to be very attractive and wearing an American flag tanktop type thing, then Gale Sayers comes on with an inspirational speech about team work, then Jeffrey Ross who I died laughing at (especially when he directed his jokes at the 2 and 4 star generals sitting directly in front of me) then finally Colin Quinn who gave us a very fitting political satire using an analogy describing the war in Iraq as a bar fight.
Seeing the CJCS was shocking. Even though I work for him, in a sense, he still seems like a celebrity to me. He looks exactly as he does on TV only with more wrinkles in his face which is understandable considering the burdensome responsibility on his shoulders. His speech was predictable but he seemed genuine in thanking us for our service.

Is there any other army in the world where the most powerful man in all the armed forces would stand before deployed troops and say “thank you for what your doing, we love you” What the heck is that? A general is telling me he loves me. Weird.

Overall, Im glad I was forced to go. I won’t forget it.

“New Mule Skinner Blues” by Jimmie Rodgers sung by Bill Monroe

I almost guarantee that no one reading this blog has herd this song.

It seems like my eating habits have gone through many phases here in Iraq. What I eat, when I eat and what my attitude is when I eat shifts like the wind.
For example, there is enough candy available to me, made possible by care packages, that I could eat candy non stop for 10 straight days. I usually only make it to 2 days without regretting my decision.
The food that is convenient to eat like Cup of Noodles and a Pepsi, although consistently appealing usually lacks the variety.
Im also a huge fan of slim jims and sometimes I find myself making a meal out of 4-6 of them.

The reason I bring this all up, is that Ive been having the most wonderful experience the last few days. Ive been consistently going to midnight chow and eating a full meal. My body is used to it and it feels great.

Today I had 3 cups of apple juice, a banana, chicken wings, an omelet and some strawberry cheesecake. I felt happy before, during and after the meal.

And I wrote all of this just to communicate this to you. Im not sure why!

Peace

“don’t write about what we do here. Its illegal”

I don’t want to take this person’s words out of context. We have all been warned in the past not to write about anything which would compromise the security of Coalition forces or anything which is destructive to the mission here. I know exactly the behavior this person was referring to. But it goes beyond that.

It could be potentially dangerous for me to talk about what time Im going to leave the base. Or what type of weapon I fire. Or what my official responsibilities entail. Or describe in great detail where and how I am living. All these things give exploitable knowledge to the enemy which is well understood.

What about me talking of my chain of command negatively or the fact that I hate it here? What about me telling you stories about injustices done on the Iraqi people caused by false and exaggerated intelligence.
Suppose someone got labeled a criminal because an officer’s reputation was on the line. To the Iraqi, it is his life. To the officer, it is his OER.

If I were to detail this, would I be protected by free speech rights or would I be labeled destructive to the mission in Iraq and punished accordingly. Im guessin the latter.

I write more on this latter…

We were setting up contentinu (sp?) wire around the perimeter of my work place. I rarely get to work outside out here. Most of my work involves sitting on my behind in an air conditioned room staring like a zombie into my computer screen.
That being said, When we were given the task I was instantly at the forefront volunteering my services to the security effort.
We starting by setting up the wire on top of huge dirt barriers which we call hesco baskets. Well one of the baskets didn’t have any dirt in it, yet we still had to place wire over it. So in order to accomplish it, I stood on the very edge of the wire frame of the basket as we strung the wire across the center. Every thing was going as planned until I had to jump down. The problem is leather gloves get stuck in the wire and I was supporting myself on the wire. When I jumped down my hand was still caught which caused the back of my arm to drag across the top of the wire.

And thats the story. A self inflicted wound in a country full of people that want to kill me. Ironic, I know.

Oh, here is my new addy,

Halbe, Matthew SPCBco 1-3 BTB
FOB Speicher
APO AE09393

Peace

In a spiritual, emotional and phychological sense, Ive just emereged from a dense forest. Can’t really say what I was doing in there. Can’t predict as to whether or not I will return…but tonight the stars have aligned in such a way that the path out has been illuminated. And Im standing on the edge of a cliff staring off infinite glory of nature. Its awe inspiring which is strangly satisfying. Few things in life have that effect.

I ask myself all the time what I am trying to accomplish with this blog. Is it used just to air my thoughts? Is it a more convenient way of communicating with loved ones?

Am I a political activist? Or a philosopher? Do people come to my blog to consider my beliefs?

The answer is all of that. Its not very focused of course. It is simply a picture of who I am.

A blog is a powerful tool. People in oppressed countries are learning that. Take Iran for example. People use the anonymity of the web and combine it with huge megaphone that can reach the entire internet owning populous. It is newspaper whose subscriber base is not limited by how much paper you can buy but only on the popularity of your ideas.

It seems we all have incredible power to influence each other now days. We have all the tools. Who is gonna make use of them?

The dream is a ROCK GYM/COFFEE SHOP.

Imagine a 2000 square foot room with a 60 foot ceiling (does that sound right?). On one side you have an exposed second level with wooden railing and an enclosed office below. The front desk and the coffee making stuff w/ a register as well as the rental equipment would be in this area as well. There would be chairs and tables on the second level where people could drink their coffee and watch the people climb or just do their homework or whatever.

You could have boldering rocks in the middle of the gym and on three remaining large walls you could have dozens and dozens of evil paths marked out with colored tape.

The place I’m describing (very poorly) already exists minus the coffee shop. It’s called Sanctuary Rock Gym in Monterey California http://www.rockgym.com/. Of course, there is no exact plans drawn up for OUR PLACE, all this is subject to change and if Jon were sitting beside me he wouldn’t allow me to so boldly describe exactly how its gonna be.

We thought about putting the coffee shop in the middle of the gym with a glass enclosure so that people would be climbing on every side of the coffee drinker. We reasoned that might be a problem because the climbers would fling bits of the tire shred pit into people’s coffee. There might also be too much mingling between the two parties. They are really separate endeavors, rock climbing and coffee drinking and they have to be partitioned somehow.

AND JUST THINK…
We could tack a rock wall on the side of the building for the spiderman effect. And put one on the roof of the building for the “top of the world” effect. Also we could have a huge parking lot where we could hold concerts.

And I know my Dad knows how to put together a video projector so we could even project a video on the side of the wall inside the gym and play music videos and what not you can watch while you let your forearms recover from the beating they will take.

In closing, if you think this is a good idea feel free to contribute monetarily, hahah! Seriously.

Peace

PS Does anyone know of a veteran’s small business grant? Or a special VA loan?

Im gonna try to update you guy on all the goings on here in Iraq. To me, this stuff is incredibly boring but I figure the rest of the world might not share the same familiarity with this way of life.

We are gonna move to a new base sometime next month. Don’t worry, my address won’t change. They are shutting down our current palace complex and releasing it back to the Iraqis. I won’t miss this place. I hope the Iraqis make good use of it. I’m sure they’ll take more pride in keeping up the place. Behind the palace there is a big garden, that Im sure, if given some attention could impove the aura of this place. I’d like to see it after a few months under their care.

Myself and about 6 of my coworkers are gonna be sharing a 3 or 4 bedroom house at our new base. Its a big improvement from our current situation of having four guys in one room and two guys in the closet.

I’ve told the sergeant in charge of me that I want to go to the soldier of the month board. There are a bunch of people that are scheduled to be in it for july and august, so I probably won’t be able to compete before then. Assuming that I don’t get thrown out of the board or say anything stupid I’ll continue on to the E5 promotion board a month or so after that.

As far as work goes, Im like a criminal investigator. It is a job I wasn’t trained to do. In certain ways we are in a war this army hasn’t been trained to fight. Our mission is to restore order to a society. Those committing crimes to destroy order are criminals not soldiers. And in turn, Ive become a cop not a intelligence soldier.

Peace out ya’ll. Happy father’s day DAD and all the other Dads out there.

After I wrote the last post I thought, damn, am I crazy? Seriously? I talk about thinks like Im a lone species of human on an island of warring bears. As if I was the only man in the world who wanted to be happy.

I also thought, I must not be as passionate as I think I am if I continue with this way of living. My passion is personal and it doesn’t extend into my workplace or inspire me to care for those living beside me.
If the people that know how I behave read that they wouldn’t think me to be the author.
I have been unable to extend myself to others the way I would like to. I don’t know the first thing about how to do it. I don’t know much about love that is true genuine and sincere.

A lot of people might laugh at this post. They may laugh at my blog. Like they laugh at a kid trying to draw a picture of his dog.

But Im not playing. I feel like dyeing. Seriously. I feel like pushing myself in front of a tank like the guy in teinimen’s square (sp?). Its life or death for me. And if my passion doesn’t reflect these words tomorrow, Ill grieve about it in the end.

On a somewhat related note:

I read some confusing word’s recently from a Christian author. They weren’t upsetting just difficult to grasp.

This guy talked about Jesus’ loneliness right before he died. He was the loneliest man ever to exist. He wanted to love everyone but no one loved him.

Like someone who draws a picture for you and you fail to capture the expression of love in the lines discarding it with a obligatory smile. We injured him.

I don’t feel guilty or responsible for Jesus’ pain and let me explain why not?

Didn’t he say “forgive them, they know not what they do”? I will agree that didn’t know what I was doing when I threw that picture out with the trash. Im sorry for my ignorance if it hurt someone. But I don’t feel responsible for it. I’d love to break free from this ignorance. Id love to understand Jesus’ love for me.

The guy also tried to explain Jesus’ love by comparing it to a man’s devotion to his wife, perhaps he was reaching for the highest thing we could imagine on human terms. He says that God wanted to be our one true love. He wanted to write his name on the inside of my arm and mark us as his own. He extended his utmost in the hope that we would do the same.

I don’t know what the hell this guy was talking about honestly. It is fun to think about a love that is so outstanding. I like to think that a man named Jesus wanted to be closer than a brother to me and that he even offers his friendship now. He wanted to love me truly sincerely and honestly.

But how does this apply to me in my current conditions. I live in a 500 x 500 meter box in the middle of Iraq. I don’t want to make anyone think that there are not good things in my life. I recognize a few things. But I don’t really see this storied love that all these guys talk about. Does God really love us unconditionally to an extent we cannot imagine because of its awesomeness.
I don’t want to pretend it exists. If it is real then I want to know about it. If it is not, lets stop talking about it.
Perhaps my ignorance will continue on for eternity and I will unknowingly hurt people like Jesus who just want to love me. But really, is it in my ability to understand this love in a way which will raise me up above all this pain?

a meal, when you are hungry
a drink, when you are thirsty

finding a rythm in hard work
helping someone who needs it
repect for a leader
recognition where it is due
true use of talent however small

I hope I starve in this world. I want to live in total poverty if I can’t find love. If I can’t find peace I want total war. If i can’t find joy I want pain.
Tell me why I shouldn’t talk like this?

And he raised his head and looked upon the people, and there fell a stillness upon them. And with a great voice he said:
When love beckons to you follow him,
Though his ways are hard and steep.
And when his wings enfold you yield to him,
Though the sword hidden among his pinions may wound you.
And when he speaks to you believe in him,
Though his voice may shatter your dreams as the north wind lays waste the garden.
For even as love crowns you so shall he crucify you. Even as he is for your growth so is he for your pruning.
Even as he ascends to your height and caresses your tenderest branches that quiver in the sun,
So shall he descend to your roots and shake them in their clinging to the earth.
Like sheaves of corn he gathers you unto himself.
He threshes you to make you naked.
He sifts you to free you from your husks.
He grinds you to whiteness.
He kneads you until you are pliant;
And then he assigns you to his sacred fire, that you may become sacred bread for God’s sacred feast.
All these things shall love do unto you that you may know the secrets of your heart, and in that knowledge become a fragment of Life’s heart.
But if in your fear you would seek only love’s peace and love’s pleasure,
Then it is better for you that you cover your nakedness and pass out of love’s threshing-floor,
Into the seasonless world where you shall laugh, but not all of your laughter, and weep, but not all of your tears.
Love gives naught but itself and takes naught but from itself.
Love possesses not nor would it be possessed;
For love is sufficient unto love.
When you love you should not say, “God is in my heart,” but rather, I am in the heart of God.”
And think not you can direct the course of love, for love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.
Love has no other desire but to fulfil itself.
But if you love and must needs have desires, let these be your desires:
To melt and be like a running brook that sings its melody to the night.
To know the pain of too much tenderness.
To be wounded by your own understanding of love;
And to bleed willingly and joyfully.
To wake at dawn with a winged heart and give thanks for another day of loving;
To rest at the noon hour and meditate love’s ecstasy;
To return home at eventide with gratitude;
And then to sleep with a prayer for the beloved in your heart and a song of praise upon your lips.

excerpt from The PROPHET, by Kahlil Gibran

KAUFMAN:
“A powerful and aggressive carnivore, found primarily in the far north” “…always occurring in very low numbers, and usually nocturnal the Wolverine is seldom seen” “…Has been known to take down animals as large as caribou. Ferociously defends its food from other predators, even bears and mountain lions.” “…resembling a large dog or small bear”

Audubon Society:
“bulky, somewhat bear like” “…climbs quickly, often pouncing on prey from a tree.” “Very powerful for its size, the Wolverine is capable of driving even a bear or Mountain Lion from its kill” “It eats anything it can find…” “…its truly voracious appetite is probably an adaptation for survival where food is often scarce.”

Armed with a shotgun, digital camera and some camping gear, wouldn’t the wolverine be the ultimate adventure in photojournalism? Who is with me?

Like a Songbird that has Fallen

“Paths are there for us to follow, this is gospel I believe
Angels are around us flying, truth and mercy to recieve
Pictures of uncommon nature, painted by a masters hand
Draw me ever on life’s journey, rendered thus to understand

As a songbird that is fallen, only to regain the sky,
from this frozen shadow vally lay my weary head

Love is from no distance calling, faithful as the rising sun
Warms the bitter heart and heartache till the east of eden’s gone
Clouds of fear and misconception, wax and wane as if the moon
So is in a sense forsaken, till the will of God be known

As a songbird that is fallen, only to regain the sky,
from this frozen shadow vally lay my weary head”
- Bobby Neuwirth

The pages written on the sufferings of war could fill a library. The history and folklore of wars and battles are deeply embedded in our art and culture. Our best and most touching movies and books attempt to describe its effect on people(soldiers and civilians). Vietnam, WW1&2, War in Korea, War in Somalia, Revolutionary Wars, Civil Wars and foreign Wars. You can’t grow up in the United States or any other country without learning or seeing war. The United States has perhaps seen little war in recent history compared with other nations. Yet still, our culture is saturated with it.

This being said, the stereotypes and common conceptions team up to draw a picture of the “suffering of War”. These images where in my head before coming to Iraq. They are still present, really. I always thought that the cause of men’s suffering in movies like “Saving Private Ryan” was entirely a result of bullets and bombs.
The attempt of this post is to articulate a interesting realization that Ive had recently regarding what makes War hard. What would make it unbearable. It is already hard(not speaking of my own circumstances).

Imagine living in a tent. Subject to wind, rain, snow, hail, fierce heat, and cold. With only bread and water. Having to put your waste in a hole. No TV, No electronics, No music, and No books. And all this, in a war zone.
That was my perception of the “sufferings of War” before coming to Iraq. Those where the conditions which I expected would cause suffering. Yet it isn’t altogether true. The people that are forced to live in these conditions… (and I emphasis the words forced because you shouldn’t choice to live in them. Every sane human being has a desire for improvement. Indirectly or directly that must be the final goal. As it is written Man should be fruitful and multiply). …Those that are forced are not annihilated spiritually.
If you have battle buddies and leaders that you love, who give you purpose and direction.. And if there is a spirit of concern for you fellow man and a selfless attitude; the conditions will cause tears and heartache but will not cause true grief. The tears will only cause you to become a more genuine and compassionate person. People will die and bad things will happen but it will never cause hope to be lost, because your hope cannot be devoted entirely to what can be attained in this world.

True grief is lack of a cause. Lack of fellowship. And lack of direction and purpose. You cannot live under these conditions. They seek to destroy you. Now, which would you call suffering?

American soldiers are subject to both types of suffering here in Iraq. And it is varies for each individual which they suffer under. Some American leaders don’t know how to give soldiers direction because they don’t believe in the cause themselves. And this is a condition soldiers cannot stand under. Im surpirsed by the causes of my frustration here. The dominate factor is not the living conditions. It is somthing else.

Peace!
PS Ive recieve packages from Mom, Judy, Traci, the Klauses(2), The Lentz’, Jess, Keri, Mema & Bepa… I think that is it, but I could be wrong. Thank you all! Ive been completely overwhelmed with the volume of packages Ive recieved. But don’t worry, Ive been sharing!

Take it easy ya’ll. Peace in the Middle East!

ps. Ive received your packages, Mom, Dayna, Michael and Darla! Thanks!

“I want to leave you all a thought that came to me this week. At work we have a pretty lousy copier. The dumb thing is always jamming and we’ve been dealing with this lemon for years. Every day I have to run a 6 page report and pass it out to several managers. I went to the copier and put it in the feeder. One page, two pages, JAM. *)^&% I put it in again. One page, two pages, JAM ()*&$# Try again, one page, two pages JAM. I was so disgusted and yanked my originals out of the copier. I immediately realized that I had forgotten to tear the pages apart (the report is printed on continuous feed paper) and the feeder couldn’t feed the paper in! Moral of the story….. Sometimes it’s ME that has to make the change! I’m not always right and I don’t always have the right approach. God give me wisdom to see the error of my ways!”

Have a good day everyone. Thank you for all your support. And Dayna…I still haven’t gotten the packages yet but it is phenomenon that all of us are suffering through out here. I think it will be resolved in a few days and we will get flooded with the old packages. Beech wrote a pretty funny blog about it on our team’s site, make sure to check it out (“the holy mail”)

Other than that, there is nothing new…
I was thinking yesterday as we were walking to work. What if I just jumped the constintino wired fence and started walking around in Tikrit. I don’t want to give you guys the wrong impression. I realize the insanity of that decision. But what if I did it. In the name of peace, in civilian clothes, unarmed, I walked the streets. A sort of missionary for non-violence.
Some places on post you can clearly see the outside world of Iraq. And you can’t help but wonder what life would be like for a westerner outside the protection of the M1A1 tanks and the fighter jets.
I presented this idea to Al(an Iraqi) and he laughed at me. He said that even the non-hostile people would kidnap me within seconds of realizing I was alone and sell me to the Mujahedeen.

“To be perfectly honest, I don’t have it too hard here. FOB Liberty is probably the nicest base in our region. I feel pretty silly asking for food or entertainment when some of my buddies are living in tents and being mortared weekly in Sammara and Kirkuk. I’m pretty fortunate because I work in the Division HQ. All that said, of course I love getting mail…books and food all the more.

As far as the locals go[response to question in letter], I don’t see many other than the ones that work on post. When I was convoying through the country I saw a huge number of really poor kids just standing on the side of the highway in the middle of the desert. I think their parents must be sheep herders or something. They were all dirty and hungry.

Tikrit is a sunni town but the base here is rarely ever attacked. The iraqi linguist that I work with, says the reason it is quite here is only because the Sunnis don’t want to wage war in their own towns. They’d rather take the fight elsewhere. It is scary though because there are a couple of places on post where you are in rock throwing range with apartment buildings outside the wire. Apparently before I got here the iraqi barber was assassinated on his bus ride home from work. Yet it hasn’t stopped others from taking his position. The Iraqis are really resilient people! My opinion of them so far is very positive. I especially like working with Our Iraqi translater!”

Peace!

Halbe, Matthew SPC

HHOC 642 MIBN

FOB Liberty

APO AE 09308

This base has been renamed to Liberty. I guess they weren’t fond of the old “Danger”.

Peace out my peoples!

Im having difficulty accessing my us.army.mil email account so if youve emailed me in the last few days please forward it to matthew@halbe.org

peace out y’all

oh, by the way the address I wrote in one of my earlier posts is wrong, it should be “FOB Ramagin” FOB stands for forward operating base, but I always hear it spoken and people pernounce it fab. That is the reason for the mistake….this is of course operating under the assumption that you were curious

Halbe, Matthew SPC

Bco 1-3 BTB

FAB Remagen

APO AE 09383

I don’t recomend sending mail this month. I gonna be here in Kuwait this month, so the mail would have to be redirect when it arrives in Iraq and it may never catch up to me.